Anxiety: How do you speak to yourself when you fail?
When you fail, how do you speak to yourself? For many with anxious minds, that voice can be harsh and full of fear. But it’s not the truth. It’s a brain trying to avoid danger. What if, instead, you said, “I’m learning”? With practice, kind self-talk can become your new default. It starts with treating yourself like a friend. (15.5.25.)
What is kind self-talk?
When something hard happens, try being kind and understanding, believing you’re worthy of care and support. Notice how you treat or talk to yourself when mistakes happen.
Kind self-talk sounds like:
Make it stand out
Harsh voice: I'm so behind—I'll never catch up.
Kind self-talk: I'm doing the best I can with what I have. Step by step, I'm making progress.
Harsh voice: I should be stronger. I shouldn't feel like this.
Kind self-talk: It's ok to feel this way. Emotions come and go, and it will pass.
Kind practices are:
Self-soothing: Find healthy ways to self-soothe when stressed (rather than constantly trying to fix the situation).
Balanced grey thoughts: Rather than black-and-white thinking (absolutist thinking that things are “good or bad”), find the more logical and balanced grey (nuanced) thought. This helps find simple solutions.
Take things lightly: Don’t take results or setbacks personally. Let go of frustration and self-blame. If there’s something to improve, acknowledge it and move on—no need to call yourself a negative label like “lazy,” etc.
Give yourself some grace
Emotion in Latin is “emotio,” and it comes from the Latin verb “emovere,” which means "to move out" or "to stir up" — from e- (out) + movere (to move). This suggests emotions move out of us and stir us into action.
Isn’t being kind to myself letting myself off the hook?
When we feel anxious, sad, or overwhelmed, we often judge ourselves for having those feelings—asking “What’s wrong with me?” or telling ourselves to just “Stop it.” This self-criticism adds a second layer of suffering.
Many people worry that being kind to themselves will make them lazy or selfish. But research shows the opposite: self-compassion improves motivation, reduces anxiety and depression, and supports mental health recovery.
A study by Filip Raes(2010) at the University of Leuven found that students with higher self-compassion ruminated less and had fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression. Their ability to respond to struggles with understanding and balance helped protect their mental health.
Some see kind self-talk as childish or weak, believing “tough love” makes us stronger. But harshness often leads to pressure and isolation when things go wrong. A softer, more compassionate approach helps us stay empathetic to ourselves and others, handling challenges with care and flexibility when they arise.
Common humanity
Understanding that all humans suffer and go through hardship is strangely comforting. We are not alone in our vulnerability, pain or feelings of isolation.
Fully understanding that we have a shared experience with others can help reduce shame and personalising our setbacks as signs of our inferiority or weakness.
Any challenges are separate from our identity. They are temporary and are opportunities for us to grow (even if the natural tendency is to resist and dislike setbacks).
Chaos to Groundedness
When you feel anxious, try calming and grounding your mind.
By focusing on the sensations in the soles of your feet (whether you’re sitting, standing, or walking). Notice pressure, tingling, or temperature changes.
This grounding mindfulness practice helps shift attention away from racing thoughts and brings calm. It's easy to do and more accessible than deep breathing or meditation when you're overwhelmed.
By focusing on your feet (or any part of your body), you're moving attention away from your anxious mind and consciously centring back attention to your body.
Accepting anxiety and what is
Accepting a whole range of emotions without personalising them gives us a bigger perspective to deal with anxiety with calm confidence that anxiety will pass.
Releasing statement
Trying to suppress unwanted thoughts often makes them stronger. For example, missing a deadline might trigger self-critical thoughts like, “I always mess up.”
This can lead to guilt and shame. Instead, use a releasing statement to acknowledge how you really feel—without needing to reframe or fix it. For instance: “Missing deadlines knocks my confidence. I wonder why I can’t get it together like others.”
Let the feeling be there, take a breath, and gently release it. Overthinking won’t stop instantly, and some emotions may linger, but with practice, the spiral becomes shorter and easier to move through. The important insight is not to let anxiety or stress derail you or discourage you. You’ve got this.
Cultivating kind self-talk
Here are some things you may want to ask yourself or think about:
Sources:
Raes, F. (2010). Rumination and worry as mediators of the relationship between self-compassion and depression and anxiety. Personality and Individual Differences, 48(6), 757–761. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2010.01.023PubMed+8ResearchGate+8OUCI+8
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