An open letter to Anxiety & Radical Acceptance
If I could talk to my Anxiety, what would I say? Would I explore the best way to deal with anxiety? Or, see which anxiety symptoms still affect my daily life? Would I be mad, angry, or start to use radical acceptance to let go of anxiety (facing the fact that anxiety doesn’t go away quickly)? Here’s my open letter to anxiety (13.5.25).
Dear Anxiety,
Anxiety started when I learnt that I need to be perfect
I don’t remember exactly when I learned I had to be perfect. But I figured out early that being agreeable and a “people-pleaser” got you praise and a gold star.
Maybe it started when I was five years old, watching my parents fight, dishes shattering on the floor. Every word felt like a broken piece telling me to stay quiet, not make things worse.
Or anxiety could have begun when I was ten, and my teacher smacked my fingers with a ruler for every wrong computer key I hit. Now, 25 years later, I type fast and yet, I still flinch when I make mistakes.
Perhaps it originated that time I broke down in Sociology class the day before my big university interview. I’d prepped hard, got good grades, but not knowing what they'd ask gave me so much anxiety that I burst into tears.
In therapy, we talk about how I picked up the idea that being perfect means I’m good, and messing up means I’m not. I know perfection does not equal happiness, but I still get a little dopamine high from a fully ticked-off to-do list. How can perfection be so wrong when it feels so right?
Why is perfection and anxiety the perfect pairing?
Perfectionism and anxiety often show up together because they feed off the same fear: the fear of failure or not being "good enough."
A simple way to look at it is my perfection says, “You must get everything right.” And anxiety replies, “What if you fail?” Together they create a cycle of pressure, fear and overthinking.
Brené Brown sees it this way:
"Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, work perfectly, I can avoid or minimise the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame."— Brené Brown (2010)
I still catch myself believing that being perfect will ease my anxiety. People-pleasing, needing validation, and stressing over things being “just right” is so normalised that I don’t notice when I’m doing this. Coupled with being a mom, it’s easy to fall into the “if I do everything right, nothing will go wrong” trap.
Work sets you free…or just leads to burnout
The phrase “Work sets you free” was once hung above the gates of Auschwitz concentration camp to remind prisoners to work hard. Today, we hear softer versions like “Hustle brings success.”
It’s not the same, of course, but it makes me question where these messages come from—media, influencers, family, faith? What is their purpose and agenda?
Work matters, but we’re more than what we do. When we follow goals that aren’t truly ours, we risk becoming prisoners in our own lives. That’s where burnout and anxiety creep in. When we pour ourselves into something that doesn’t align, it leaves us feeling empty and disconnected.
Mindful productivity
Here’s where mindful productivity comes in. Mindful productivity refers to getting things done with focus, intention and balance, rather than rushing or overworking. It’s doing less but with purpose. It’s bringing in awareness of your energy, values and priorities to avoid burnout.
"Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally."— Jon Kabat-Zinn (1990)
I’m still learning how to work mindfully while being a mom and juggling a million things. It’s easy to spiral into anxious thoughts like, “What did I forget?” or “What have I messed up now?”—always feeling like I’m about to drop the ball.
What’s helping is noticing black-and-white thinking and shifting to more balanced thoughts. Instead of “I failed,” I remind myself, “I just forgot one thing.” Seeing the grey makes everything feel a little more manageable.
Is it possible to accept anxiety?
Radical acceptance is defined by psychologist Tara Brach as:
“[…] The embrace of the fullness of life, without judging, rejecting, or avoiding it.”
Anxiety has been with me for so long that it’s almost a part of me. So, how can I accept anxiety? My natural instinct is to fight, judge, ignore it —anything but accept it. Because accepting anxiety will surely make it worse?
And yet, what I’m finding is that the opposite is true. What you resist, persists, so now I’m accepting anxiety and giving it a seat at the table. I can’t fight it any longer, so I might as well befriend it. Maybe once I start to do this, anxiety will start to work with me, and not against me.
If you’re suffering from anxiety, I hope these words help.
Love,
Tanya, xo
Sources:
Brach, T. (2003). Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha. Bantam.
Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.
Kabat-Zinn, J. (1990). Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness. Delta.
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