The link between anxiety & anger
This morning, in my journaling, I explored the link between anxiety and anger. For me, anxiety often shows up as self-doubt, people-pleasing, and needing reassurance. But when I ignore my needs to keep the peace, it slowly builds into resentment and quiet anger. The irony? Trying to avoid conflicts does not mean conflicts won’t arise. They’ll likely show up as mean comments, passive-aggressiveness or outbursts. Here I look at anxiety, people-pleasing and anger. How can I be more assertive each day and avoid suppressing my true self? (2.1.25.)
Anxiety, people-pleasing and anger
As a mother, it’s easy to put everyone else’s needs above my own.
Balls on the floor? I’ll pick them up. Dishwasher full? I’ll unpack it. The baby is sick? I’ll stay with him all day and cancel my plans.
I remember rushing to nursery, pram wheels rattling, baby wailing “bis-kits mama!” When the carer opened the door, she smiled sweetly and said, “Since he had a watery poo yesterday, he can’t come in today.”
Before I could respond, the door closed.
I sighed, popped him back in the pram, and mentally reshuffled my to-do list, feeling anxiety rising.
You see, I smiled back and politely said, “Of course,” when I wanted to scream, “Do you know how inconvenient this is?”
My stomach felt fluttery, and my head filled with questions: “What will I have to cancel?” and “How can I entertain him while working?” “Will I just sit him in front of the iPad —I’m such a bad mother!”
What gets repressed must be expressed: Emotions spilling over
I was anxious and felt a total loss of control in that moment. I couldn’t show this, though. I am a calm, happy, grateful mother who doesn’t give in to self-pity or tiredness. There are times when I crack under the pressure of it all.
Perhaps anxiety (self-doubt) comes about when we don’t trust ourselves. We look to others and create a happy mask. We feed off others’ validation and shape our identity to what brings social approval.
This is healthy up to a point. When we ignore our true selves’ desires and needs, there’s a hollowness to our days, even when it’s glossily good on the surface.
When we have to suppress how we really feel for too long, resentment builds up. If this is not addressed and is ignored by ourselves and others, this repression seeks expression through volcanic anger (get our of the way, there’s an eruption about to happen, save the women and children, flee for your lives kind of scenario).
This is when our emotions spill over in a surprisingly hot and painful way. All those ugly resentments we’ve buried deep inside of us come out. They scramble out of our mouths in a black, spiteful way that cuts deep.
Seeing anxiety and anger as signals that something has to change
Some days I want to shut the door and say, “Not today, Satan.” Alas, I have to show up as a mother, partner, and therapist.
We are all people pleasers to some extent. From the McDonald’s worker to a tech CEO - we have a boss, we have families, we have responsibilities that are bigger than us. We live to serve.
How we cope with our resentment and anger is up to us. Being irritable is not a good look, ask any conspiracy theorist.
Yes, we repress our anger to get along with others (but secretly know we’re right, right?).
Yes, we’re frustrated by our lack of control (anxiety loves control and hates uncertainty).
Yes, chronic perfectionism is all too common (an inner dissatisfaction when high standards and expectations aren’t met).
Yes, being overwhelmed (in high-alert mode, common in anxiety) can make us snappy and reactive.
And yet, if we view anxiety and anger as signals that “something is off” and needs to change, perhaps we’d pause and reset.
Seeing the positive intention of anxiety and anger
All emotions (no matter how annoying they are) serve to show us something valuable.
Each emotion plays a role in trying to keep us feeling safe and protected.
Instead of trying to push anxiety away because it feels so uncomfortable, we can learn to be curious.
There is always a good intention behind any difficult feeling, usually they point us towards something needing to change for more balance and inner healing.
The good intentions of Anxiety are:
Protection: Anxiety tries to keep us safe by showing real or imagined dangers
Being prepared: Overplanning and being cautious allow one to feel ready for unexpected events
Internal alarm system: Setting your body on alert allows you to respond quickly and out of harm’s way
The good intentions of Anger are:
Boundary signal: Anger shows when boundaries are crossed or needs are ignored
Justice: It can highlight unfair treatment and the need for change (or doing things differently)
Energy for action: Anger energises one to take action, speak up and protect what matters
What is resentment trying to tell me?
Life is always shifting, and sometimes in ways that make no sense. Today I read about a 32-year-old marketing manager and experienced skydiver who died when her parachute didn’t open—intentionally, they think. It’s a heartbreaking reminder of how unpredictable and fragile life can be.
I try to stay grateful and focus on one thing at a time. Sometimes I’m successful and other times I get overwhelmed and fall into resentment (“How come that person has time to write a novel when I can hardly find time to cut my nails?”)
Resentment is a signal that I’m burnt out, or have unmet needs, or perhaps my priorities aren’t aligned with what I want (e.g. “I want to work but also want to relax”).
Notice anxiety and the fight-or-flight response
When anxiety and worry come, there’s a natural stress response, which is fight-or-flight. The fight response is trying to ward off the threat by releasing adrenaline and heightening arousal that can turn to anger.
“Fighting” off this threat can look like shouting or arguing or physical outbursts. Other times, they’re sudden movements to get something accomplished.
The flight response to stress and anxiety looks like trying to run away from the perceived threat. When you're stressed or anxious, your nervous system prepares you to flee—your heart races, breathing quickens, and your mind searches for ways to avoid the situation. It’s like your brain saying, “Get out of here—this isn’t safe!”
Triggers, outbursts and breaking points
Anyone anxious for a long time can feel chronically worried, fearful and depleted. There may be a breaking point where you “snap” or “break,” exploding in anger. This can be in response to little triggers or frustrations that seem unbearable, going from anxious to irritable in the blink of an eye.
My mantras for anxiety and anger:
Right now, there are a lot of changes happening in my life. This makes me worried, and I know I need to surrender to a higher Source. And yet, it’s as if I’m holding onto what was, trying frantically to understand what’s next.
The lesson for me on anxiety and anger
Speaking your truth can feel risky, especially when you know it might annoy someone. It’s tempting to people-please for quick validation, but over time, suppressing your needs builds resentment (and trust me, no one wants that eruption).
Difficult emotions are there for us to reflect upon in a non-judgmental way. Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way calls this “an exercise in self-observation—not self-flagellation.”
This perspective invites us to observe our thoughts and behaviours with kind curiosity and compassion rather than self-criticism. In this way, we nurture ourselves and others by not expecting each other to be a certain way (hey, we’re all flawed human beings after all).
I’m learning to pause, speak clearly, and honour my truth kindly (without over-explaining or ignoring others’ perspectives). It’s not easy, especially when rushing, but even a small nudge like, “How about we try it this way?” can shift things. It’s all a practice—and I’m still learning.