Perfectionism means setting unrealistically high standards for yourself and others, often leading to anxiety, depression, and self-criticism. While some use it to grow, others fear failure and struggle with low self-esteem. I reflect on how perfectionism has shaped my life and how I’m learning to accept my messy self—becoming my own best friend. [20.2.25.]

Ways I’ve been a perfectionist

I’m 38 years old and so far I haven’t managed to break perfectionism.
Don’t get me wrong. I know perfectionism is there inside of me but it’s a double-edged sword.
At times perfectionism has pushed me through tiredness to get more done. At other times it’s led to deeply depressing thoughts.

Perfectionism is having excessively high standards and being extremely critical of yourself when you fail to meet expectations. Perfectionists expect flawlessness and like to feel in control of situations and people (having an intolerance to uncertainty). This can be shown as perfection towards oneself (self-oriented: expecting oneself to be perfect) or others (other-oriented: expecting others to be perfect).

Some point to adaptive perfectionism (a healthy form of perfection that includes setting high goals and striving for excellence, while learning from mistakes and making steady progress) to prove perfectionism isn’t all that bad.

And yet, I’m not sure I’ve seen adaptive perfectionism. It’s more common to see maladaptive perfection (which involves a fear of failure, seeking external validation, having high expectations, negative self-talk, feeling pressured to perform, and using guilt and shame to do more).

Since childhood, I pushed myself to succeed out of fear of failure. Low marks led to self-criticism and even higher goals. I obsessed over mistakes, which contributed to anorexia in my early 20s.

Later on, I had depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem into adulthood. But no one knew—I believed appearing perfect and confident meant being accepted. I think I had high-functioning anxiety (a mental health condition where people appear to be successful but experience high levels of stress and anxiety. It's often unrecognized or undiagnosed), which is even more confusing because anxiety/ perfection fuels the drive to be ambitious and successful. Hence why I said perfectionism acts as a double-edged sword as there are gains to be had from being a perfectionist.

Signs of Perfectionism

Perfectionists often never feel good enough, no matter what they’ve achieved. They aim for flawlessness, and nothing other than 100% is acceptable. This often leads to criticism and negative thoughts when they fail to meet their unrealistically high standards.

Letting go of control and the perfect plan

It sounds silly but I’ve always thought that if I read the right self-help book, followed the perfect formula, or just followed others who look perfect I’d be happy and fulfilled. The problem is life is rarely linear and stagnant and the more you achieve the more you want to achieve bigger, brighter and better goals. When is enough, enough?

When I became a mother in 2023 my cultivated image of perfection started falling apart. Firstly, I didn’t have time to go on social media to post my so-called perfect life. Then motherhood blues hit me. And now I’m piecing back together my identity from what seems like fragments.

My closet still has some pre-pregnant clothes that are size 10, sexy, and smart. I keep them in one corner as a secret siren call to reclaim my past self. But then I ask:

“Is this realistic? My milky mother-like body is a different shape altogether. Why not embrace my more womanly curves?”
And then I remember my former self, how tight my clothes were, how I only had one pair of yoga pants (as opposed to ten).
Rather than go back to my old perfectionistic ways through strict dieting and exercise I’m letting go of control and beginning to accept that my future body is morphing into a stronger female form.

My perfectionistic self would have previously shamed me into dieting. My present self is giving up any such notion of following a perfect plan set by some dieting guru. I follow myself and tear up the “perfect plan.”

Motherhood has been a deep lesson of having a plan, throwing out the plan, unlearning the plan, changing the plan, improving the plan, starting again (and again), until said plan seems to work (for this moment in time) until another adjustment will have to be made shortly. Because that’s life. It's always changing.

Be your own best friend and accept your imperfect self

Today I meditated and focused on letting go of control—the need to be perfect, follow the perfect plan, and stay in “supermom mode.” Perfection feels rigid in my body — like a drill sergeant demanding order and punishing my mistakes.

When I bring this strict energy into my day (let’s call her Ms. Perfectionist Drill Sergeant), I ignore my needs and stay busy until I hit a breaking point. It’s said that each of us needs to “fill [our] emotional cup,” and I’m realising how true that is—you can’t give from an empty cup.

It’s funny because I’m more self-oriented in my perfection, expecting myself to be perfect. I don’t expect others to be perfect, far from it. When a friend is suffering I’m often the first one to cheerlead them on, reminding them how strong and capable they truly are. Then why can’t I take my advice? Or why can’t I be as kind to myself as I am to others? I think this is a challenge for most people.

I’m learning to be kinder to myself when I make mistakes. When I’m harsh, I ask, “Would I say this to a friend?” Sometimes it helps me change my words, other times I still struggle to listen.

Ways to experiment with breaking perfection

Final thoughts

Breaking free from perfectionism is a lifelong process for me. Sure, being a perfectionist has its perks—I’m ambitious, energetic, and always striving for more. But the downside? Constant self-criticism, never feeling good enough, and tying my worth to achievements. Lately, the negatives have been outweighing the positives.

I know I won’t change overnight, and I don’t have to lower my standards. It’s more about being gentle with myself—finding healthier ways to think when I don’t get my to-do list done.

I’m forgetting the harsh Ms. Perfectionist Drill Sergeant voice. Shame and guilt don’t motivate me anymore; what actually helps is focusing on my strengths and the resources that I already have.

I know setbacks will happen, and that my perfectionist voice will creep back in. But next time, I’ll be kinder to myself.

Because I’ve come to realise that being perfect won’t make me happy—being real does. And right now, that means embracing my imperfect, messy, and sometimes lazy self. And honestly? I’m good with that.

Break perfection and be your own best friend. Book a free 30-minute therapy consult.

Breaking Perfectionism: Let go of control & be your own best friend