Breaking perfection: Kind (not critical) self-talk (pt. 1)
Perfection is when good isn’t good enough. We set high standards and criticise ourselves for unmet goals. Instead, how can we use kind (not critical) self-talk? I share how I’m challenging mean thoughts when things go wrong. [11.1.25.]
What you’ll learn:
How to overcome perfectionism: Learn how perfectionism keeps us small and how taking imperfect action and mini leaps, takes us forward.
The power of curiosity in self-talk: Shift from harsh, critical thoughts to curious and kind self-inquiry. Use open-ended questions to unlock solutions and growth.
Building resilience through self-compassion: Reframe failures as learnings and challenge your inner critic with supportive inner mentor dialogue.
How do I release perfection?
A perfectionist has such high standards that they are constantly critical of themselves and never feel good enough. They expect perfection and flawlessness and become critical of themselves and others, seeking control.
So how do we release perfection?
In the book Playing Big by Tara Mohr, she says:
"Good work doesn't require perfection; it requires boldness and the willingness to start."
She believes that keeping small and safe allows us to be perfect because we don’t risk fear, failure or rejection. We all know that growth requires failures, rather than waiting for “the perfect moment” or “for the time we feel good enough to start.” By taking imperfect action, mini leaps (that stretch ourselves), and making our work visible —we begin to take steps towards playing big.
Kind (not critical self-talk)
In a book group, we started talking about critical and harsh thoughts. For example, we often overestimate what we can do in a single day. We might say, “These three things will get done”, and when they don’t get done we tell ourselves, “You’re lazy, you’re not acting in integrity, you’ll never achieve anything.” We go down a negative and self-critical spiral, adding shame and disappointment.
One girl mentioned she started catching herself speaking meanly to herself. “I was able to reframe it by asking, “is this true?” and “What is the story I’m telling myself?” She was proud that she had used Playing Big’s suggestion to be curious about our self-talk.
Curiosity allowed her to open up space for solutions. By thinking in black-and-white (binary, absolutist thinking such as: “I win or fail”) we often stamp out any alternatives. Our minds want certainty and we lack nuance or balanced thoughts.
By asking curious questions we shift from negativity to inquiry.
Curious questions that allow us to improve are:
“What can I learn from this?”
“What’s a small step I can take?”
“What strength can I call on right now?”
Challenging the inner critic
Often our inner critical (harsh inner voice) protects us from taking risks. When we tell ourselves we’re not ready, we can challenge criticisms with kind self-talk: “It’s natural to feel scared but I can and will figure it out as I go.” Tara Mohr mentions the role of the inner mentor as the voice of wisdom, that is grounded and supportive. This inner mentor voice lets us know that we are stronger than our fears and gives us fresh insights to drive us forward.
A powerful quote from Playing Big about the inner mentor is:
"Your inner mentor doesn’t push or prod you to achieve things to prove your worth. She simply invites you to step into what feels true and meaningful to you."
How can I be kind to myself when I “fail”?
First off, there are no “failures” only “learnings” that help us to learn and grow. Secondly, negativity ensures black-and-white thinking which is easier to understand. By asking, “What can I learn?” we have to put more effort and practice into curiosity (which initially isn’t as easy).
Perfection can also be hard-wired so it’s natural to be negative and critical when things go wrong. We may think that being mean to ourselves (using blame, shame and guilt) to make us more productive is constructive. But long-term, this isn’t sustainable. What allows for real growth is patience when we fail and time to ask expansive questions that enrich us.
When I’m mean to myself (which is often), I’ve started to ask:
Kind self-talk: Curious questions to ask yourself when you hear the inner critic
An experiment: Kind self-talk when I “fail”
I’m thinking of writing a blog for about a week to test how I use kind (not critical) self-talk in my daily life. These experiments in kind self-talk will use the “inner mentor” when I fail on my to-do list, or when things don’t go according to plan.
Recently as a mother, I’ve felt like a “hot mess” as I try to be organised but there are constant interruptions, spills and the feeling like I should be doing more. I can’t express these feelings to others because everyone is busy surviving in their busy lives. I think in a harsh way when I don’t finish a blog, or complete my household chores on time. I try to tell myself to be flexible and kind to myself (to “give myself some grace”) but there’s a push-pull dynamic telling me I have to strive and do more vs. be kind and nurturing.
Practicing kind self-talk is not about escaping my responsibilities. It’s the balanced and nuanced thought that says, “I know you didn’t get as much done as you wanted today, but what did you get done? How can you do one stupidly small thing right now?”
Kind self-talk is the gentle nudge, the supportive friend who tells you, “You’re capable of more —go for it!” It’s the belief that even though you feel stuck in the winter season of your life, there is spring around the corner.