Change negative thinking with kind self-talk (pt.2)
Negative self-talk is when our inner voice tells us negative, critical and harsh comments. Negative thoughts can protect us from danger. But when thoughts are mostly critical this can lead us to perfectionistic (black-and-white) thinking, as we feel depressed, stressed and isolated from others. So how do we start using kind self-talk in our daily lives? [12.1.25.]
What are negative thoughts?
Negative thoughts are unhelpful and pessimistic thoughts that are automatic thought patterns. They see things in black-and-white and react to what is happening in the moment with stress, anxiety and frustration.
Perhaps we’ve lost our keys and feel triggered or we negatively compare ourselves to others. We react and believe the feeling is permanent: “I’ll never find my keys,” and “I’ll always be behind on my life goals compared to my friends.”
Are negative thoughts the same as the inner critic?
Even though negative thoughts and the inner critic are used interchangeably, they are different in small ways.
Whereas negative thoughts are usually reactive to triggers, failures and comparisons that are happening in the now, the inner critic is a judgemental voice that is often learnt from our past experiences (school, societal expectations, our perfectionistic standards).
The negative voice says: “I’ll never succeed - I’m a loser”
The inner critic says: “You’re not good enough to succeed — remember the time you failed and everyone laughed at you"?”
The inner critic uses the past to protect you from taking a risk or being vulnerable to failing in front of others. It’s a personalised voice that highlights your flaws and inadequacies, keeping you stuck (but safe). Negative thoughts are fleeting and reactive to what’s happening now, while the inner critic is an internalised voice that lowers self-esteem and growth.
What are my common negative thoughts?
Here are some of my common negative thoughts. I’ve categorised them and you’ll notice that they are linked with inner critical thoughts too (personal attacks based on perfectionistic and societal standards).
A lot of negative thoughts are blanket black-and-white statements that suggest that failure and stuckness are final. They believe struggle will be forever and delete any solutions, or alternative outcomes.
Common patterns that negative and inner critic thoughts share:
Extreme language: Using “always” and “never”
Catastrophising: Imagining the worst-case-scenario (“it will be the end of the world if you fail”)
Focus on flaws and failures: Exaggerating flaws and failures (“you always fail and are too lazy to succeed”)
Negative comparison: Seeing others as superior to you (“they’re smarter, better, more successful than me”)
Judgemental tone: Using a mean critical tone of voice (“you’re a fat, lazy loser”)
Lack mentality: Motivating yourself through lack and fear (“if I don’t exercise I’ll get fat”)
How can kind self-talk help?
Just writing these negative thoughts out is enlightening. I can see they are general statements that try to state facts as final truths (as opposed to finding alternatives, solutions, and more imaginative outcomes).
Negative thoughts can be automatic and generally, I don’t challenge them because they’re so fast. When the inner critic speaks it’s often based on past bosses, teachers or people who’ve put me down, and whose ideas I have absorbed about myself without questioning them.
It’s sad that these thoughts are passed on from them to me, and if gone unquestioned, to my son.
So how can kind self-talk be the antidote?
Using positive affirmations like “I’m strong, smart, capable” often doesn’t work for me. That’s because the words feel too big to believe (especially when I don’t see my reality reflected in these words). Instead what works for me is:
Being curious about negative thoughts: “What is this negative thought protecting me from?” (Often it’s taking a risk/ looking vulnerable/ failing/feeling embarrassed)
Where the inner critic voice comes from: “Is this voice really mine? Whose is it?” (Often mean thoughts come from the past: parents/ bosses/ school/ past relationships/ society etc)
Enhancing my strengths and successes: “What’s a recent win or success, or a strength I’ve had since I was young?” (This could be adaptability, flexibility, resourcefulness, a positive “I’m going to do it anyway” attitude etc)
Kind self-talk is about enhancing our values, strengths, and inner resources in small ways. When I challenge negative/ inner critical thoughts as the truth (seeing them as ways to keep me small but safe), I’m able to be more imaginative and expansive about my options.
By quieting negative thoughts, we can focus on the one helpful thought that moves us forward. In survival mode, negativity feels loud, but we can actively seek out kind, non-critical thoughts as our guiding light. It starts with small actions, asking, “Is that thought true?” and being willing to stumble without losing hope.
I’m a work in progress, and I’m committing to a month of kind self-talk because habits need repetition to stick. I know kindness to myself is more effective, but during low moods, it’s tempting to believe negative thoughts.
Asking, “What’s the most helpful thought right now?” might be the catalyst I need. I’ll share how it goes!