Perfection: Using kind self-talk for mindful productivity (pt. 3)

Written By Tanya Geddes

Can a recovering perfectionist use kind self-talk each day? I experiment today using compassionate self-talk to challenge depressive thoughts. I learn how being compassionate to myself can enhance mindful productivity (while also getting things done)[14.1.25.]

You’ll learn:

  • How to challenge perfectionistic thinking with kind self-talk (and messy action).

  • How to replace harsh self-talk with mindful productivity (accepting the process rather than focusing on results).

  • Manage emotions with kindness, allowing for mess, interruptions and incremental growth.

What’s this kind of self-talk experiment all about?

This January, I’m experimenting with kind self-talk. As a recovering perfectionist and new mother, I’ve realized I rarely achieve the big goals I set for myself, like “write a book in a year.” When I struggle to even write a sentence, my inner critic pops up with: “Why bother? You’re so lazy. How will you ever finish?”

Sound familiar? Perfectionists often think in black-and-white, like “I’m successful or I’m a failure.” But I’m learning to reframe thoughts. Instead of berating myself, I’m starting to ask, “Can I write just one word?” Taking even the smallest step builds momentum and beats waiting for the “perfect” conditions—like waiting until I go on a writer’s retreat in the mountains.

I’ve also started catching absolutist phrases like “always” and “never” in my self-talk and asking, “Is that really true, or just how I feel right now?” It’s hard to break free from perfectionism when society rewards ticking every box and appearing flawless. But letting go of the need to be perfect, even embracing “crap-tastic” efforts, helps me move forward with more kindness and less pressure.

Why perfection can lead to depressive thoughts

Lately, I’ve felt an internal shift—maybe it’s motherhood, sleep deprivation, or approaching 40. I catch myself thinking, “I haven’t achieved my life goals. I’m a loser.” Or, “You haven’t started a Substack like others,” and, “You haven’t written a book because you’re lazy.”

It feels like I must accomplish everything immediately as if I’m always behind.

Perfection demands 100% effort every day. Society idolizes achievement and productivity, celebrating those who excel. But what happens when a life transition—motherhood, a breakup, or another shift—throws us off track? When we’re not working, haven’t bought a house, or don’t check society’s boxes? In these moments, our identity and beliefs can feel shaken, leaving us disoriented and stressed. It’s in these moments of self-doubt that we need to find inner confidence based on what we value and find important. Also accepting uncertainty is essential because we can never be totally in control of everything.

Expectation vs. Reality:

  • I wish I could tick off my to-do list AND YET I’ve done just one thing

  • I wish I could write 1,000 words a day AND YET I haven’t written a sentence

  • I wish I could grow my social media AND YET posting videos feels overwhelming

When I don’t achieve as much as I want done my mind says:

  • "You’re lazy and will never achieve anything" (name-calling)

  • "Your friends are ahead of you" (comparison)

  • "That mom has 3 kids and a job—what’s your excuse?" (comparison)

My inner critic or negative thoughts are harsh, self-punishing and are motivated by lack. I believe I’m not enough so I have to work harder to be enough.

Kind self-talk helps me move forward in small, manageable ways. I’m starting to challenge labels like “lazy” and “loser” or the fact I believe I have to compete to feel worthy. Kind self-talk grounds me when self-doubt happens because I don’t need to do things perfectly. I just have to take messy, imperfect action, and accept that slowness is still progress. The snail can win the race (if he gets on a skateboard).

Kind self-talk challenges depressive thoughts:

  • I’m lazy > I’m going to do this smallest thing to move ahead

  • Everyone is ahead of you > I’m on my own race and I’ll focus on this now

  • I use excuses > What do I need right now?

Mindful productivity & kind self-talk

Mindful productivity is being consciously present in what you’re doing now, and managing your moods. It’s accepting feelings and thoughts, and being fully connected to the process.

Today as I write, I’m in flow. I’m mindfully productive because when I’m writing I’m focusing on now (not the 100 things that still need doing). It’s not going into autopilot mode to get more done. It reminds me I’m human and if writing takes longer that’s ok.

Kind self-talk and mindful productivity allow for:

Tanya Geddes
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