Stop anxiety with assertive communication
In my journey toward kinder self-talk, I’m focusing on how I speak to myself daily. A friend recently inspired me to practice assertive communication with others. Anxiety often appears as indecisiveness or over-apologizing—but what if we expressed our needs clearly in every conversation? [19.1.25]
Anxiety: What triggers anxious thoughts?
Anxiety comes when I feel uncertain and lack control over something. These triggers push me into worst-case scenarios, leading to catastrophizing and black-and-white thinking. My anxious, unbalanced thoughts feed into low self-esteem, creating a cycle of worry and anxiety.
Anxiety shows up for me as: overthinking, anxious “what if?” questions, increased heart rate, feeling overwhelmed, a tight stomach, and negative black-and-white thoughts. Often I stop myself from doing what I want because it overwhelms me.
What triggers my anxiety
Organisation: Trying to remember dates, times, appointments
Doing something new: Trying a new skill or being “bad” at something
Other’s opinions: Not saying the right thing, being criticised, singled out
Career: Questioning my abilities to diversify my career (impostor syndrome)
High pressure: Facing deadlines, expectations or letting someone down
Stress: Lack of sleep, poor exercise and brain fog (motherhood)
Perfectionism: High standards (and feeling like I’m constantly failing)
Negative self-talk: Criticism and self-doubt when I don’t achieve enough
Challenge worries with assertive communication
Since becoming a mother, my anxiety has increased. At first, I thought irrational thoughts like, “What if I hurt or drop the baby?” and it seemed I couldn’t do anything right.
Accepting that I was a beginner and would make mistakes was uncomfortable—especially as a recovering perfectionist. I often berated myself for small missteps, like spilling milk or forgetting appointments. I’ve learned to go with the flow more but my anxiety hasn’t completely disappeared.
Anxiety often shows up as indecisiveness, over-apologizing, and second-guessing. I notice many women frequently seek others' opinions instead of trusting themselves.
Many women communicate in a diminished way:
Undermining language: Using fillers (“like,” “maybe,” “um”) which dilutes their message
Chatter: Talk to fill up space and uncomfortable with silence
Over-apologising: Saying “sorry” too much or asking “does this make sense?”
Assertive communication: Asking for help
When I’m overwhelmed it’s easy to believe I lack agency and control. Studies show that assertive communication can improve stress, anxiety and depression. Yet, when I’m tired I don’t think of asking better questions, expressing my needs, or using confident body language.
I’m beginning to realise that I can’t wait for a perfect time to use assertive communication. Many times in my daily life I’ll feel overwhelmed, stressed and anxious but I can’t let those feelings dictate how I speak or come across.
Kind self-talk starts with reframing how we think about overwhelm. We don’t need to be in control 100% and it’s ok to be anxious. We can be anxious and still ask for help. Asking questions, and finding who or what can help to solve the problem helps us take up more space.
Asking is not being aggressive or argumentative. Assertiveness is expressing our needs and wants while respecting others too. It’s also getting to the root of our problems by finding a real answer that can help us (rather than accepting the first option). Asking uncomfortable questions, asking a question to the right person, and asking ourselves better questions create more possibilities. It may be strange at first and yet, anything done consistently becomes a habit. This is where I think confidence and a sense of integrity can grow.
Assertive communication: Quick reframes
Many of us don’t want to appear “too much” and would rather not ask questions or stand out. Perhaps we believe that asking for help is weak and we should be self-reliant. Perhaps trying to put down boundaries and say “no” when we’ve always said “yes” will disrupt relationships.
Here are quick reframes for being assertive:
“By asking questions I’ll be seen as problematic” > “By asking questions I show I’m curious”
“By expressing how I feel, this will be too much” > “By expressing how I feel, I can be my authentic self more”
“By getting what I want, this seems aggressive” > “By getting what I want, I can still be kind and respectful”
Kind self-talk when being assertive
Learning how to clearly state our needs and wants, keeping eye contact and actively listening (without speaking over others) is a skill. Many of us aren’t taught how to stand up for ourselves and comply with what we think people want of us.
Kind self-talk is curiously asking ourselves “Why do I stay silent even when something is bothering me?” Challenging ourselves to take up more space is uncomfortable but necessary if we don’t want to feel small and resentful.
Practicing assertive communication
Here’s how I’ll practice assertive communication with my partner:
“Can we take it in turns to take the bins out? I know you’re busy so what days suit you?”*
“How can we share household chores? What chores do you most enjoy?”
“You tend to do the hoovering when I’m putting the baby to sleep. Do you think you can do it beforehand?”
*Note: It’s okay to face pushback or resentment when being assertive. Be selective—choose moments when the other person is emotionally available, as timing matters. For instance, asking a partner to take the bins out in the morning might not go over well.