How to heal an anxious attachment style in relationships
Do you seek reassurance and validation in relationships? If fear, people-pleasing and clinginess sound familiar it may point to an anxious attachment style. Understanding this pattern is the first step to healing, and moving towards a more secure romantic connection. [28.12.24.]
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory suggests that our bonds with our caregiver during the first 18 months of life shape our future relationship dynamics. There are four attachment types:
(1) Secure attachment: arises from caregivers who are consistently attuned and responsive, teaching the child that their needs matter and that people can be trusted.
(2) Anxious attachment: inconsistent caregiving creates a need for reassurance and approval in children which leads to a fear of abandonment and emotional dependency in adult relationships.
(3) Avoidant attachment: emotionally unavailable caregivers prompt children to suppress their emotional needs which leads to adult detachment, discomfort with intimacy and focus on independence.
(4) Disorganised attachment: caregivers who comfort and threaten lead children to normalise this fear-desire cycle which shows up as unpredictable, trust-challenged adult relationships.
The 4 attachment types in adults
What are the signs of anxious attachment in relationships?
Anxious attachment ensures that you are so worried your partner will leave that you end up people-pleasing to soothe your doubts. When a partner doesn’t behave how you expect you see this as a sign that you’re unworthy. Those with anxious attachment deeply fear rejection and abandonment so seek constant validation that they are enough.
There is a "push-pull” dynamic: when you are near your partner you feel safe, and when you’re away you feel insecure (and believe it’s a sign that you are rejected and alone). This can lead to over-dependency and a lack of confidence.
Signs of an anxious attachment in relationships are:
Clingy: Being dependent on a partner and having poor emotional boundaries
Prioritising partner: Letting the partner’s needs seem more important than your own
Validation seeking: Using the partner as your main source of validation that you are “good enough”
Fear abandonment: Fear being alone and worry that your partner will leave
Hypervigilant: Seeing potential threats more easily which causes anxiety
Lack of trust in others: See others as a source of anxiety so you tend not to trust others
Jealousy: Suspect your partner is pulling away
Confusion: Difficulty expressing and understanding intense emotions of worry and anxiety
Low self-esteem: Estimate others highly and yourself lowly
How can I heal an anxious attachment in relationships?
Understand your childhood attachment style
“Knowing where your anxious attachment came from as a child lets you break out of the limited framework you were given”
Looking back at how our caregivers raised us lets us understand the emotional patterns we were given. If we felt unsafe exploring as a child and didn’t get consistent caregiving, it’s natural that as adults we can have trust issues. Be kind to yourself and understand your hypervigilance was a way to keep you safe as a child but may not work for you as an adult. When feeling abandoned or rejected, find healthy ways to self-soothe, get distance from big feelings (to challenge them) or talk to a therapist.
Know your emotional patterns and triggers
“When you interpret your partner’s actions through your lens of self-doubt, you begin to feel unworthy. Start to see your partner’s actions as isolated events (and not influenced by your insecurities).”
Be aware of your emotional patterns that play out in arguments with your partner. Some patterns that are connected to having an anxious attachment are:
Craving connection: Wanting closeness and intimacy from a partner (who may seek alone time)
Hypervigilance: Seeing your partner’s actions as a sign that they are pulling away
Emotional reactivity: Overreacting to distance away from your partner (which may make you more clingy, frustrated and annoyed)
Needing reassurance: Seeking validation from your partner (instead of intrinsic self-worth)
Self-doubt: Feeling unworthy and insecure and needing your partner to show you’re loved
Fear of abandonment: Fearing your partner will leave you
For example, if your partner avoids emotional discussions and you feel rejected, pause and ask: “Are they truly rejecting me, or do they need space right now?” Identify your needs and explore how to meet them yourself. Communicate clearly, such as saying, “I need to feel connected—can we hug?” If your partner remains unavailable, focus on self-soothing and creating your own emotional safety that you can come back to.
3. Stop mindreading and write a new story
Stop mindreading and start challenging the negative thought: “Just because my partner hasn’t texted me back doesn’t mean they don’t like me. The truth is, they’re probably just tired and busy. I don’t need to jump to the worst-case scenario.”
It’s easy to mindread your partner’s intentions. Mindreading is a cognitive distortion that includes assuming or predicting what someone else is thinking without clear evidence that it’s true.
If you’ve got an anxious attachment style perhaps you believe your partner’s silence is a sign that they’re upset with you. You may jump to the worst-case scenario without asking if this negative thought is true or not. Mindreading also adds to the cycle of hypervigilance which increases self-doubt. When you next start mindreading, challenge the old story with a new one.
How do you grow a secure attachment style?
If we expect our partners to be a safe space for us, we must first grow a secure attachment within ourselves. Explore what feeling safe and secure in your body would feel like. Also, spend time alone without needing to be surrounded by others. This helps ground yourself, without needing external validation. Practice speaking clearly and directly; experiment with healthy ways to cope when conflict arises.
Be secure even in the storms
Those with an anxious attachment style often seek relationships similar to those in their childhood, that feel conditional and where their needs aren’t met. As adults, it may seem more familiar to connect with those with an avoidant or disorganised attachment style (rather than a secure attachment style).
Instead of relying on someone to act as your safe space to soothe your insecurities, turn inward and take responsibility for your own emotions.
Notice when you’re dysregulated, stressed or anxious and rather than acting out in what feels normal (usually reacting, feeling rejected, and saying something mean), let yourself embrace silence. You may feel angry and abandoned in this moment but practice the power of pause. Start to notice your intense emotions and reactive habits. Once you give space to feel how you feel (without reacting) you can start to choose new responses.
See the big picture: A committed relationship
Growing a secure attachment style takes effort but it is possible. Observe grounded, confident friends or loved ones and their healthy habits, like direct communication. Reflect on the behaviours you'd like to adopt.
If anxious attachment leaves you feeling misunderstood, focus on clarifying your goals and building emotional intelligence. Perhaps seeing a therapist can help you manage intense emotions and improve your self-awareness for a healthier relationship. In conflict, reconnect with your long-term vision of your ideal relationship (or at least how you’d like your relationship to be long-term).
To build a secure, supportive relationship, focus on solutions instead of blame during conflicts, and be kind to yourself. Healing from a turbulent childhood takes time, but with patience, you can start to regain emotional control and create a trusting, drama-free relationship.