Motherhood: Losing my identity and reclaiming myself
The intensity of motherhood often leaves us burnt out and juggling the invisible load. In the busyness of daily life, is it possible to have it all? And when parts of us die, does this leave space for a new identity to emerge? [27.12.24.]
Motherhood & juggling the invisible load
Motherhood often brings a whirlwind of joy, exhaustion, and transformation. Yet, beneath the surface of cuddles and milestones lies an often-overlooked burden: the invisible load. This unseen mental and emotional labour usually carried by mothers includes anticipating a child's and partner's needs, juggling household tasks, and making countless daily decisions. This endless to-do list can add a sense of heaviness.
A 2024 study revealed that 62% of parents feel burnt out by their responsibilities, with 38% reporting no support in their parenting load.
For mothers, burnout is compounded by societal expectations, mom guilt, and constant comparison to ideal images of the “perfect” mother. Add the narrative of toxic positivity into the mix (the expectation that all mothers should be joyful and optimistic) —and it’s no wonder that many mothers hide their challenges, doubts and mixed emotions.
Photo credit: Self Magazine, Instagram, Toxic Positivity
The loss of identity in motherhood
Not many people talk about the loss of identity in motherhood. Before being a mother I had many aspects of my identity: my work, relationships, hobbies and wider interests. After motherhood, these vital facets of my identity were taken over by motherhood. How I saw myself and how others saw me was defined by the label “mother.” My days are full of mothering and little else. It’s no wonder many mothers struggle with an identity crisis. Common challenges include:
Losing social connections: Friendships may wane when priorities shift
Scaling back or leaving careers: Many women reduce hours or step away from professional ambitions
Time scarcity: Hobbies, self-care, and passions are often sidelined for caregiving duties
Loss of confidence: Intrusive thoughts and the pressure to be a “perfect” mother can erode self-worth
Physical and emotional changes: Tiredness, hormonal shifts, and the demands of multitasking amplify feelings of self-doubt and personal failure
The grief of losing myself
This morning I looked into the mirror and saw a tired woman with a blank stare. I thought:
“Where have I gone? I used to be an avid runner, a literature lover, and a curious conversationalist. Now I’m a mother. But deep inside I know I’m much more.”
It’s not about defining myself as a career woman or negating my motherhood responsibilities. It’s just that sometimes the endless singing of nursery rhymes, folding endless laundry, and the daily grind of chores can feel like an erasure of my former self. The simplistic expectation that a stay-at-home mother (SAHM) is privileged and shouldn’t complain makes me hide my mixed feelings as if they’re shameful and unacceptable (as if the only emotion I should feel is happiness).
Acknowledging this grief doesn’t diminish my love for my child. Instead, it highlights my complex emotions since becoming a mother. The juggle of motherhood, work, and the pressure to make it all seem effortless sometimes breaks me. Social media and comparison also don’t help as I constantly believe I’m failing.
Reclaiming my identity
I’ve slowly realised that rediscovering myself after motherhood isn’t about being who I was before. It’s about grieving and accepting that some aspects of my identity will naturally fade or disappear completely. And yet, there are other parts of my identity that I can revive.
It’s about evolving into who I am now —flawed but stronger, more patient, and more flexible. Some dualities still feel messy (being overwhelmed and strong, tired and grateful, sad but happy) but that’s ok.
Here’s how I plan to reclaim myself:
Giving myself permission: Know that it’s ok to want something more beyond my role as a mother. Journal and brainstorm ways to expand financially and creatively. Be patient when things go sideways or don’t work.
Snail’s pace: Dedicate 10 minutes a day to an activity that brings me joy — reading, running, or just uncovering an old passion.
Prioritise better: Ask what aspects of your old identity I’d like to rekindle and gradually integrate them back into my days. Start small and be realistic.
Support system: Raising a child takes a village so I don’t need to think I can do it alone. Continue to widen my network, friendships, and mom friends so I don’t feel isolated and alone. Share the load.
Seasonal shifts: Just as winter goes to spring, know that what feels overwhelming now will also change. Shift to how I’d like to feel (even when it seems impossible) and have tiny treats to incentivise growth.
Seeing beyond the clouds
Motherhood isn’t all sunshine and roses, but it’s also not all exhaustion and loss. It’s a blend of unconditional love, struggle, and growth. When I look out of my window and see grey clouds blanketing the sky, I remind myself that beyond those clouds lies the sun. That sun represents light and life.
Motherhood is undeniably overwhelming. The weight of expectations, invisible labour, and the constant balancing act can feel crushing. But rather than surrendering to the heaviness, I can choose to seek out the light in joyful, fleeting moments.
It’s easy to get lost in the maze of exhaustion, comparison, and mom guilt, but moving through these feelings rather than being consumed by them, is a process that will become more familiar, the more I practice it.
This isn’t about losing my identity. It’s about having the courage to let go of the parts that no longer serve me and uncover new, unexpected facets of who I am becoming.
My new identity is emerging and I’m determined to explore what motherhood 2.0 means for me. I’d like to be defined as more than my societal role because beyond mother, woman, daughter, and partner, I am me. I am a human who is striving to become whole, authentic, and fulfilled —one step at a time.