Emotion Regulation for overwhelm
Emotion regulation is being able to understand and manage your feelings and responses in a balanced way. It doesn’t mean ignoring emotions or suppressing how you feel with fake smiles. It’s being authentic by pausing, reflecting and choosing how you’d like to respond rather than react impulsively (regretting it later). Here are more thoughts on the importance of emotion regulation for overwhelm, stress and anxiety. (7.5.25.)
What is Emotion Regulation?
Emotion regulation is being able to manage how we experience and express our emotions. It’s not about suppressing difficult feelings, but learning how to respond and express ourselves in a healthy and balanced way (no emotional outbursts needed).
Why does being emotionally regulated matter?
You know that guy on the street corner yelling about Jesus? We like to think we’re nothing like them—we’re more “together,” right? But when someone criticises us or cuts us off, maybe we smile politely... while secretly imagining a swarm of bees carrying them off. The truth? Most of us are less emotionally regulated than we think. We’re just better at hiding it.
Emotional regulation matters because if you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, emotions tend to pile up (which we usually ignore or bury away) until anxiety, stress or burnout come out in outbursts of anger or crying.
Regulating emotions isn’t always easy, especially when life is busy. If you're a tired parent, in a high-pressure job, or just trying to keep up with constant demands, staying calm can feel impossible.
Sure, there are helpful tools like “name the feeling,” “take a breath,” or “laugh at your anxiety by calling it Ms. Stresshead etc.” And yet, in the heat of the moment, when you’re about to snap, cry, or shut down, where are those tips?
So the real question is: How do we regulate emotions on chaotic, coffee-spilling, toe-stubbing kind of days?
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Coping Strategies
Make it stand out
We all cope with stress differently. Some ways help, others not so much.
Unhealthy habits like overeating, drinking, or binge-watching Netflix can calm us in the moment, but often leave us feeling worse later.
You might ask, “Why did I watch six episodes in a row?” And before you know it, it’s 2 am and you’ve got to be up in four hours. I’ve been there.
What does emotional dysregulation look like?
Emotional dysregulation is when our emotions feel too big or too overwhelming to manage in a healthy way. It’s when we have strong reactions (like lashing out, shutting down, or feeling totally lost in our emotions), without knowing how to self-soothe or ground ourselves back to balance.
Imagine your partner criticises you, and instead of brushing it aside, you spiral into anger, hurt and withdrawal. That’s emotional dysregulation in action.
Emotional dysregulation isn’t about being “too emotional.” It’s about not having the right mental health tools to handle intense feelings. Some may numb out or avoid issues, while others make impulsive decisions, burst into anger or have mood swings. Emotional dysregulation is a sign that you’re overwhelmed and struggling with what’s on your plate.
Emotional Dysregulation and Avoidance
When we’re triggered or stressed out, it’s easy to feel dysregulated, causing an irrational behaviour like blowing up.
Once we see this pattern, when anxiety and stress come around, we may see it as a threat, wanting to avoid the feared situation.
This brings short-term relief but worsens anxiety in the long term.
If you avoid difficult conversations to prevent arguments, this strategy may only work temporarily, especially with close relationships like partners or colleagues, but will continue until the issue is addressed.
Anxiety and the Avoidance Cycle
When we’re emotionally dysregulated, we begin to distrust our ability to control our emotions. This can lead to anxiety about the future. This over-worrying and over-thinking can then result in hyper-awareness of potential threats and dangers - creating a vicious cycle. The more anxious we get, the more we believe we can’t handle situations.
Anxiety often stems from worrying about something bad happening in the future.
This worry leads to hyper-awareness of potential threats and self-doubt about our ability to cope.
This creates a vicious cycle where the more anxious we feel, the more we believe we can't handle things.
Avoidance feels like a quick fix—skipping situations that make us anxious gives short-term relief. But over time, this strengthens anxiety because we never get a chance to prove to ourselves we can handle it.
Safety behaviours—like always having someone with us, using distractions, or planning escape routes—can also keep anxiety going. They prevent us from learning that discomfort is survivable and temporary.
The way out? Gradually face feared situations without relying on safety behaviours. This builds confidence, reduces anxiety over time, and breaks the cycle. You can start small—what matters is being consistent and kind to yourself as you challenge fear step by step.
Triggered? Get back to inner peace
When triggered (having an intense emotional or behavioural reaction to a specific person, place or situation, often due to past trauma or stress), it’s not easy to access our inner Dalai Lama.
Notice how you think-feel-and act when triggered, and ask:
What are my specific triggers?
How do I usually try to cope—and is it helping me in the long term?
What beliefs about myself or the world might be keeping me stuck?
Be curious about being triggered: When a tough emotion hits, your first instinct might be to run, hide, or dramatically exit stage left—but try staying with it.
Be curious, not critical. If someone’s involved, definitely give yourself space (save your future self from a regret-filled rant). You won’t nail it the first—or fiftieth—time, but with practice, you’ll see that emotions like anxiety or overwhelm aren’t as unbearable as they seem.
Let them be, and they’ll eventually pass like clouds.
Exit the fire and self-soothe:
When your emotions are raging like a fire, don’t waste time asking, “why is it burning?” Get some water and put out the fire by asking, “What can I do right now?” “What will calm me down?” “How can I bring some acceptance to this feeling?”
Psychologist Tara Brach mentions:
"The key to healing is not trying to get rid of the pain, but to bring acceptance and tenderness to the pain."
A personal note on self-regulating
Being triggered or stressed sends me into overwhelm. I’m finding that instead of getting in my head, I have to ground myself and walk away from the stressful situation. Responding calmly is a practice (and it won’t just happen the first time).
Since becoming a mother, I’m much more sensitive to criticism and have to remind myself not to take anything personally. Self-regulation is like a muscle that becomes tired from being too self-controlled.
At the end of the day, after one too many baby tantrums, I can easily slip into emotional dysregulation, becoming irritable and angry. If unexpressed, this turns to resentment.
This links with the “ego depletion” idea that suggests willpower is a limited resource and that self-control can become fatigued with overuse. When we are tired, it can become harder to regulate emotions or make good decisions (Baumeister et al., 2007).
And yet, we can choose to behave differently when triggered. Before responding, I’m trying to “get in the gap” and let there be a pause. In that pause, I can choose another response.
What if we actively tried to see the other person’s viewpoint? Getting outside our ego? What else could we experience if we were willing to give up our sense of “rightness?”
Sources:
Baumeister, R. F., Vohs, K. D., & Tice, D. M. (2007). The strength model of self-control. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 16(6), 351-355. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8721.2007.00534.x
Frankl, V. E. (1946). Man's search for meaning. Beacon Press.
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