Anxiety: End the cycle of avoidance
Avoidance is a natural response to anxiety and fear, often helping us stay safe. If we “avoid” what brings us worry, we get short-term relief because we don’t have to experience anxiety. And yet, when the situation arises again, we usually ignore or avoid the issue. This reinforcement of avoidance teaches our brain that we can’t handle our fears, which fuels the cycle of avoidance (increasing our anxiety). So, what can be done to face our fears? What better questions can we ask ourselves to shift from avoidance to taking action? (8.5.25.)
How does avoidance fuel anxiety?
When anxiety hits, we think there’s a potential threat. Our body enters the fight-flight-freeze-fawn stress response mode, believing danger is ahead.
Hypervigilance allows us to see negative threats so we can manage the potential danger. Stress and overwhelm can flood our system as our hearts beat faster, we get sweaty palms and racing thoughts.
Avoidance fuels anxiety because while it gives short-term relief, it reinforces the idea that you can’t handle the feared situation.
Psychologically, this keeps your brain believing the threat is real and that anxiety is dangerous. Over time, you don’t get a chance to prove your worries wrong, so the fear sticks around—and may even spread to other situations.
Example: Each day, I make a big to-do list, hoping to get lots done. But with a baby, I often manage just 20%. The stop-start rhythm leaves me anxious and frustrated, especially when I can’t finish my writing. Over time, not following through becomes a habit, which chips away at my confidence and adds to my anxiety (“Why can’t I finish just one thing?”)
What are safety behaviours?
Alongside avoidance, people often use safety behaviours—like needing your phone, having someone with you, or planning an escape route—to feel more in control during anxious moments.
While these strategies can soothe anxiety short term, they keep it going long-term. Relying on them stops you from learning that emotions aren't dangerous and will naturally ease with time.
Suppressing anxiety and discomfort often makes them stronger, and if your safety crutches suddenly aren't there, your anxiety can spike even more. Ask how you can stretch or take just one step out of your comfort zone.
Example: For me, over-planning helps me feel in control when life feels chaotic, especially with a baby. Planning’s great, but being too rigid can make it harder to handle the unexpected. I’m learning to go with the flow (even if it’s uncomfortable). I also love podcasts while tidying up, but I’ve noticed I sometimes use my phone to escape frustration instead of sitting with the feeling.
How can procrastination make me more anxious?
Procrastination is a sneaky form of avoidance—when a task feels overwhelming or anxiety-inducing, we delay it to dodge discomfort.
This short-term relief builds long-term stress. It's often rooted in fear of failure, perfectionism, not feeling good enough, or anticipating negative outcomes.
Avoiding the task increases anxiety, reinforcing the idea that we can’t cope, which keeps the cycle spinning. Breaking the fear up into tiny bites is a more manageable way to deal with anxiety.
Examples: A few of my favourites are: YouTube, Netflix, podcasts, putting off difficult tasks I don’t like (life admin, forms, payments etc.), being too detail-oriented (focusing on minor tasks rather than the bigger project), making excuses like, “I’ll do it tomorrow,” or a golden oldie, “I don’t have time.”
How do we break the pattern of avoidance?
The first thing is to notice how you try to avoid anxiety. What are your specific avoidance/safety/procrastination behaviours? When fear floods your system, name your emotion out loud:
“Ms Anxiety is here telling me I shouldn’t do the form because it’ll take too long.”
When you make your fears obvious, it lessens its impact.
The key is when you feel discomfort, to stay with it. Let anxiety and worry just be and take mini actions (rather than avoid the situation completely). Touching on what makes you anxious is a first step.
Practice, “Even though I feel anxious, I’m going to [insert mini action].”
Know that your anxious instinct will be to avoid it, make an excuse (which will feel very real), or jump into procrastination. Stay with the anxiety-inducing task anyway.
Switch your high expectations to realistic ones. For example, if it’s completing a form that brings anxiety, rather than expecting 10 pages to be done, make a goal for 1 page.
Also allow for a “5-minute messy” version by telling yourself you’re allowed to do the task badly or incompletely. By making the task stupidly small, you’re easing into the big scary task.
You can also start moving, walking, stretching, or dancing to change emotional states. By staying still, it’s easy to get lost in thoughts. Setting yourself up in a new environment or keeping active keeps us moving. What’s an easy action you can do now?
How the Empty Chair tool can help with Anxiety and Avoidance
The Empty Chair technique, from Gestalt Therapy (Fritz Perls, 1940s), is a simple yet powerful way to talk to the parts of ourselves that feel anxious, stuck, or afraid.
You imagine your anxiety—or an inner critic—sitting in a chair, and you speak to it. Then, you switch seats and let that part speak back. This helps you hear what's really going on underneath the avoidance or fear.
For example, when I asked my inner Ms. Anxiety what she was afraid of, she said:
“I need things to be perfect. I don’t want to fail or look lazy. If I don’t do it perfectly, I feel like I shouldn’t do it at all.”
And when I responded, I reminded her:
“I hear you, but the pressure to be perfect means nothing gets done. It’s ok to be messy—especially in motherhood. Let’s allow things to be messy, slow and just as it is right now. It won’t be that way forever, but you have to start with being uncomfortable and anxious and just keep going.”
Try it for yourself: What does your anxiety or avoidance need to feel supported?
And what's one small action you can take, even if you're scared?
Empty chair technique for Anxiety or Avoidance:
Set Up: Sit facing an empty chair.
Imagine: Visualise Anxiety or Avoidance as a person (or part of yourself) you're in conflict with—or a part of yourself (like your inner critic)—sitting there.
Speak Freely: Talk to the "person" in the chair. Express your feelings fully—anger, fear, grief, etc.
Switch Roles: Move to the empty chair and respond as if you were the other person or part. Let the dialogue unfold.
Integrate the insight – Return to your main seat and reflect: What do you need to feel supported? What action can you take, even if you're unsure?
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