Do life transitions cause an ego death—a loss of identity? Big changes like motherhood, job loss, or losing a parent can shake the sense of self we’ve built over the years. It’s like the mask comes off, and suddenly, we don’t know who we are. It can feel scary and disorienting, but it’s also a chance to let go of who we thought we had to be and step into who we really are. It’s a messy, slightly terrifying, but ultimately freeing new beginning. [25.2.25.]

What is an ego death?

Ego death is losing one's sense of self. It’s sometimes described as “dying” because our identity, desires and self-perception (how we see ourselves) begin to disappear.

Some have experienced ego death as part of a spiritual practice or psychedelic experience. And yet, for many, ego death comes amid big changes and life transitions.

The ego (sense of self) is often made from our roles and titles, for example, job title, parental figures, status, where we live, hobbies etc. When one or more of these fall, it can feel like a deck of cards collapsing, and with this fall comes an ego-death (or loss of self).

It is as if we have to start again from zero. Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung described ego death as a psychological transformation, requiring a deep inner struggle to realign with one’s true self.

Some have linked a butterfly’s chrysalis journey to ego death as both involve transformation, surrender and rebirth into something new.

Signs of an ego death

Ego death is like shedding old skin—it’s painful, confusing, and disorienting. However, on the other side, there’s a strength and depth you didn’t know you had. Here are the signs:

The Chrysalis Journey & Ego Death

When a caterpillar enters its cocoon, it doesn’t just grow wings—it completely dissolves into a liquid state before reforming as a butterfly.

These echo our personal ego death, where we have to shed our old identity, beliefs and attachments. This can feel devastating as we often believe we’re lost and broken. And yet, once we emerge on the other side as a fully formed butterfly we can acknowledge that we had to go through suffering to realise our strength.

Similarities between the butterfly’s journey & ego death

Dissolution – Just as the caterpillar dissolves, ego death strips away the self-image we once held, leaving us in a state of uncertainty.
Surrender – The caterpillar doesn't resist transformation, and ego death requires us to let go of control and trust the process.
Darkness & Isolation – The chrysalis stage happens in solitude, much like how ego death often feels like an internal, lonely struggle.
Rebirth – After breaking down completely, both the butterfly and the transformed self emerge with a new sense of freedom and possibility.
Bigger Perspective – The butterfly gains wings, seeing the world from new heights. Likewise, after ego death, we often have a fresh, more expansive understanding of life and ourselves.

My ego death: Personal experiences with loss

The other day, I was walking in the park with my 2-year-old son. He was chasing his ball, stopping to admire tiny tulips—signs that spring is finally here.

I have so much to be grateful for. My son is happy and healthy. But out of nowhere, I felt this wave of sadness. The past few years have been hard.

In 2016, I was engaged—until my ex decided he didn’t want to marry me. I left that relationship feeling hollow, like a ghost of myself. I kept busy, but inside, I was lost.

In 2017, my dad died of cancer. Watching him shrink from a strong, steady presence to someone who needed help to go to the toilet was heartbreaking.

In 2020, my partner’s mom died suddenly from brain cancer. One day, she was vibrant and full of life; the next, she was gone. It felt like a tidal wave crashed in, wrecked everything, and then pulled back, leaving us with shattered pieces.

In 2023, I gave birth to my beautiful son. And yet, postpartum depression hit. I loved him, but I missed my freedom. The exhaustion, the pressure, the constant demands—I wasn’t ready. The harder I tried to keep up, the more I felt like I was failing.

Some days, I’d sit on the floor crying, unable to summon the energy to make lunch, clean up, or even step outside. I kept telling myself I was lazy, and selfish. The voice in my head whispered, I’m a bad mom.

I tried finding mom friends, joining groups, and staying connected. But what truly helped was listening to myself and not trying to be a “perfect mom.”

All these losses felt like little cuts but motherhood was the motherload of emotions. Motherhood broke me open completely.

You could say I’ve been through many ego deaths. Motherhood is a constant ego death because just when I think something is stable in my life, it shifts and changes and I’m forced to be adaptable and flexible.

This is life —an ever-evolving process of adaptation. I’m sure more ego deaths will come. The difference is I’m getting stronger and have given up the idea that I can "control" everything. I’m leaning into the flow more and letting go of the rest.

Beyond struggle, frustration and anger

Ego death is brutal because we cling to labels—wife, daughter, mother, partner. We think they define us. And when they’re stripped away, we’re left wondering, Who am I now?

Even as I embrace motherhood, I know I’m more than just “Mom.” That word is too small. I am a dreamer, a creator, a storyteller, a thinker. I am beyond labels. And maybe that’s the point—learning to see ourselves for who we truly are, beyond the roles we play.

“Sören Kierkegaard wrote, “Once you label me, you negate me.” Once we believe in our labels, this limits our growth potential. We see only what is, rather than what could be.

There are days when I’m intensely angry and frustrated. When nothing seems to be going right or when there are so many distractions I feel like giving up.

I get angry and resentful because more to-dos stack on my list for the next day and with this an inner exhaustion and the question of, “How am I going to do it all?” Because there is no way out, only through.

When an internal winter leads to another winter, there is a profound ego death because inside I know there must be more to life than struggle and “getting through it.”

Perhaps there are times in our lives that we don’t enjoy things, that we must grit our teeth and march forward. Maybe we need to add a little light and kindness to these dark days, knowing there will be hope on the other side.

New ways of seeing ego death

When we’re in struggle and darkness, it’s not easy to say, “Just be positive” or “Look for the silver linings.” Often frustration lines our days and just getting through is an achievement.
And yet, if we can find new ways of seeing ego death, perhaps this will add purpose to our pain. There is strength in shedding old identities and being open to new possibilities.

Surrender – Letting go of control and trusting the unknown, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Unity consciousness – A feeling of oneness with everything, where personal boundaries dissolve.
Deep struggle – Feeling lost, confused, or even shattered as old beliefs and attachments fall away.
Letting go of the self – Feeling as if your identity has melted away, leaving only awareness or presence.
Rebirth – Like shedding an old identity and emerging with a fresh perspective, free from past limitations.
Dark night of the soul – A painful but necessary confrontation with fears, doubts, and illusions before finding inner peace.
Facing the void – Experiencing emptiness, questioning everything, and realizing how temporary and constructed the self is.