Self-sovereignty: finding calm in the chaos
Self-sovereignty in psychology means reclaiming power and authority over oneself. I explore the challenges of taking control of our lives when we’re surrounded by stress. How do we find calm in the chaos and learn to accept imperfect moments?
What is self-sovereignty?
Self-sovereignty is having ultimate power over ourselves - choosing our path and direction. By honouring our needs, desires and values, we create healthy boundaries and walk away from people and places that drain our energy. We grow a strong and grounded relationship with ourselves. Instead of pushing emotions away (numbing ourselves), we bring self-awareness and kindness to them. This allows us to move through our feelings, and practice healthy self-regulation and open communication.
Embracing the imperfect now
This morning was pure chaos. I woke up groggy, couldn’t find my umbrella, and left home without coffee. An argument with my partner erupted in the car, while the baby cried and tossed his bottle. Nothing seemed to go right.
But amid the mess, I realised that staying grounded is key. It’s easy to be calm when things are smooth sailing, but the real challenge is maintaining self-control when life feels overwhelming. Instead of letting stress take over, I consciously chose to stop the argument, knowing it wouldn’t help and would set a poor example for the baby.
Accepting that chaos is part of life allows us to say, “Here we go again,” (becoming more self-aware of our emotional patterns) instead of resisting what is. I also use a technique called pattern interruption to break the cycle of stress. A simple pinch of my skin reminds me that I control my reactions, even when everything around me feels out of control.
Control and surrender: Are we ever 100% in control?
When things go wrong, it’s easy to listen to the inner critic—the voice that says we’re inadequate, disorganized, or just not good enough. This morning’s chaos had mine saying, “Why can’t you ever be organized?” or “You’re useless.” It’s easy to spiral into negativity, feeling like a victim, or blaming ourselves and others.
Instead of forcing positivity, try viewing reality neutrally. I was tired because the baby woke up at 3 a.m., so it’s natural that I’d be slower this morning. We also need to challenge the idea that we’re always 100% in control. Life involves many factors beyond our control—relationships, society, sudden changes, and more.
NLP’s concept of being “at cause” or “in effect” suggests we’re either in control or victims of circumstance.
Life isn’t that black-and-white. We might feel in control of some things, but in other areas, we’re at the mercy of larger forces. Recognising this balance helps us avoid unrealistic expectations and allows us to give ourselves grace when life gets stressful.
Create a new more empowering story
When things go wrong, instead of listening to our inner critic, we can accept what is. We don’t need to resist reality with shame or fear; instead, we can see what the moment is teaching us. We can remind ourselves of our strengths, values, and past successes. When negativity creeps in, we can refocus on the present, allowing for mess and mistakes so we can create a new story from it (rather than repeat old stories). Below are some simple narrative therapy techniques.
TL;DR
Self-sovereignty means reclaiming control of our lives by honouring our needs and values, even in stressful moments. While we can't control everything, we can give ourselves grace at chaotic times and learn from each moment. By staying curious, we can transform pain and struggle into an empowering story that propels us forward.
✍️Journal prompt: When you're stressed or overwhelmed, what do you usually tell yourself? How can you rewrite that story to be more empowering and self-compassionate for next time?
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