I’m 37: here’s what I’ve learnt about perfection
I've spent my life chasing perfection, praised for achievements. But inside I felt empty. I share what I’ve learnt from perfection (so far) and how I’m recovering from high-functioning anxiety. I explore how embodied writing allows me to come home to myself.
Perfectionism & Image
Growing up, I learnt the idea that if I got good grades I’d be celebrated. I started to play the piano and worked my way up to grade 7 (there are 8 grades). If I got all As and played all the right notes I would “pass” tests with flying colours. I didn’t realise it but I set high expectations and rules for myself, punishing myself if I didn’t follow strict standards.
Perfectionists often seek control and expect flawless results (experiencing harsh self-talk if they don’t meet their goals).
This is something that has followed me into adulthood. Perfectionism has been linked to negative mental health outcomes such as low self-esteem, eating disorders, sleep issues, and psychological distress (Limburg et al., 2017).
🙅♀️False belief: “Being perfect will make me special”
🙆♀️Embodied belief: “Being authentic will create inner peace”
Perfectionism & Depression
At university, I developed an eating disorder. University was meant to be a time of freedom and self-expression but most of the time I was lonely. I sat into the night writing essays and going to the dusty library to read research papers on the chunky1990s style computers (it was 2005). I hadn’t experienced the complexity of life and in my small world, getting good grades kept me safe. Losing weight also gave me a sense of control in life.
Although I looked calm, my mental state was full of negative thoughts. I practised black-and-white thinking (“I have to get good grades or I’m a failure”), was highly critical of my perceived flaws, and was motivated by fear. When I didn’t reach a goal I got depressed. Most times I operated on high-functioning anxiety, appearing successful on the outside but hiding excessive worry, stress and obsessive thoughts on the inside. Other behaviours of high-functioning anxiety include: controlling routines/ rules that restrict behaviour, being busy all the time, being motivated by fear, negative self-talk, high expectations and goals (expecting flawlessness)
🙅♀️False belief: “I am only worthy if I achieve my goals”
🙆♀️Embodied belief: “I am worthy, loved and supported”
Perfectionism & Procrastination
Perfectionism keeps me from accepting anything less than the best, so mistakes are seen as a failures. I often procrastinate on small tasks because I pressurise myself to finish them perfectly. The same goes for learning—if I’m not instantly good at something, I question the point of even trying. I know this mindset limits growth, as we can’t master anything new without practice.
As a former copywriter, my perfectionism served me well, but now as a psychotherapist, I’m learning to release perfection. I need to accept that it’s ok to be “ok” at something and not the “best” at everything. It’s ok to start a task and not finish it. It’s ok to be a beginner. It’s all a work in progress because the complicated thing about being a perfectionist is that society rewards you for external “wins.” Today I value how something feels like rather than what it looks like.
Perfectionism & Embodiment
Perfection kept me trapped in overthinking, but embodiment practices have shifted my focus to the body as a tool for healing. By tuning into how anxiety shows up in my body—like a knot in my stomach—I can bring presence and safety to those emotions. These practices anchor me in my body, using self-awareness and mindfulness to break free from the mental loops that perfectionism creates.
Lately, I’ve been meditating for 15 minutes a day while walking outside to clear my mind, finding a peaceful pause from constant thoughts. I also joined a writing group that uses embodiment, encouraging emotional exploration and grounding ourselves in the messy process of creativity. This approach is a refreshing break from a culture that values only the results.
Unlearning perfection is a daily practice. It’s about enjoying the process and recognising progress, not just the final win. When my mind wants to fixate on the end goal, I remind myself to celebrate the small wins, the lessons learned, and the incremental improvements.
Seeing the shades of success instead of only the shiny win is a radical act of self-acceptance.
🙅♀️False belief: “I am my mind (my thoughts are who I am)”
🙆♀️Embodied beliefs: “I am my mind, body and soul”
TL;DR
Most of my achievements left me feeling empty (chasing the next win). Now I’m unlearning perfection and accepting that it’s ok to make mistakes, be a beginner, and not finish every task.
Self-acceptance is a journey. Perfection leaves me anxious and depressed every time I don’t achieve a goal. Now I’m learning how to see myself beyond achievements, looking beyond the surface.
Perfection leaves me overthinking most things, instead of acting, making mistakes and learning from them. I tend to want to skip making mistakes. Part of unlearning perfection is being patient, enjoying the process and being ok with incremental progress.
✍️ Journal prompt: What fears hold you back? Reflect on a time when a mistake led to growth and ask how you can invite more of this into your life.
Seeking online therapy? Book your 1 hour consultation here.
Want a quick chat? Email me: therapywtanya@gmail.com or phone me: +44(0)7401 699753