Anxiously attached: feeling whole again
How do we fix an anxious attachment style? How do we grow a strong sense of self-worth and emotional security that leaves us feeling whole again? I answer these questions as I go on a self-healing journey - coming home to myself.
What is an anxious attachment style?
An anxious attachment style refers to the type of bond and attachment we had to our main caregiver at birth. Depending on our closeness to our main caregiver, this affects us as adults. The four attachment styles are: secure (those who feel safe in relationships), anxious (those who feel insecure in relationships), avoidant (those who feel distant in relationships) and disorganised (those who feel confused in relationships).
Secure attachment style refers to those who feel a stable and safe bond with their main caregiver and therefore develop into secure adults who trust others. In contrast, those with an anxious attachment style become insecure adults who struggle to trust others (fearing abandonment). They appear needy and clingy and constantly need reassurance from their partner.
How does an anxious attachment style show up in my life?
During conflicts and arguments, I tend to get hyperactivated. Hyperactivation is a sign of anxious attachment style - as I constantly look for signs that my partner will leave me. I know this sounds crazy but in the heat of the moment, I believe my partner is pulling away and then focus on worst-case scenarios. I find small fights and blow them out of proportion. I also rely too much on my partner to make decisions, texting him to ask questions (when I could find this out myself).
How can we heal from an anxious attachment style?
In arguments, I’m triggered and hyperactivated, believing my partner is pulling away from me (he has an avoidant attachment style). My need for physical and emotional reassurance might seem “too much” as he believes I should feel secure in myself, rather than need support from him all the time.
I’m not sure there’s a quick fix to heal from an anxious attachment style, but knowing our attachment style is the first step. When I’m getting triggered I’m starting to take a pause and not enflame the argument by reacting. This is challenging because my whole body wants to react but I intentionally pull back and ask, “will this help?” and “what’s the solution?”
I also let my partner know when I’m feeling triggered (I tell him, “I’m triggered right now”). This lets him know that anything he says is escalating the argument and we need to cool down. At this moment I’m learning how I can self-regulate my emotions.
Some ideas I’m experimenting with to self-regulate my emotions:
mental space: going into another room
solutions-focused: I ask, “what’s the solution?”
challenge negative thoughts: I ask “is this thought true?” and “how can I see this differently?”
cold water: I splash cold water on my face to wake myself up (not getting lost in the argument in my head)
silence: not answering back (I want to respond but tell myself, “do I want to waste an hour arguing?”)
empathy: often I can be selfish in arguments and have to pull myself back to see things from my partner’s point of view, asking, “what does my partner need right now?”
How do I feel secure and come home to myself?
Overcoming the fear of abandonment is tough, but I’m finding security through grounding rituals like morning coffee, midday walks with meditation, and journaling my emotions. After having a baby, my life has become more insular, so I’ve also started seeking deep conversations with loved ones for support, rather than relying solely on my partner.
Motherhood has changed my identity, and I’m still figuring out a new way of being that fits my lifestyle. It’s a work in progress, and it makes me anxious, but I’m learning to accept life’s messiness and let go of control. Security, for me, now comes from grounding myself, embracing the process, and staying connected to my deeper needs. I’m gradually growing my embodiment practice and becoming more soul-centred, which helps me feel strong enough to weather the storms.
TL;DR
Being aware of anxious attachment styles allows us to pause during arguments, finding ways to practice healthy self-regulation.
By building a network of support (rather than relying on my partner) I slowly grow in confidence and independence.
Life transitions (such as motherhood) can also affect attachment styles - we need to embrace the mess, discovering ways to honour our deeper needs.
✍️ Journal prompt: How can I practice self-soothing when I feel triggered by fear of abandonment?
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