Why is it so hard to practice self-compassion?
“Be kind to yourself” are words we often hear. Yet, how many of us are self-compassionate when things go wrong? Rather than “power through” difficult feelings, can we be our own best friend, using supportive words? Here are ways to use kindness as a ray of sunshine on cloudy days. [7.2.25.]
You’ll learn
Why we’re so hard on ourselves – Our inner critic, shaped by low self-esteem, past failures, and societal pressures, convinces us that harshness leads to improvement, when in reality, it’s a shield against vulnerability.
Why perfectionism holds us back – The pressure to be 100% all the time makes us chase immediate success instead of steady growth. Self-compassion, though slower and less certain, brings sustainable progress and resilience.
How self-compassion unlocks growth – By embracing self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, we shift from self-judgment to motivation, allowing us to learn from failures.
Why are we so mean to ourselves?
We often think that making big changes involves being an inner drill sergeant to ourselves. This inner critic on loudspeaker tells us all our flaws that we must change. Our inadequacy shames us into action and we vow to go on a glow-up. Because being ourselves is just not good enough.
Perfectionism keeps me from resting until every task is done, a mindset ingrained from past jobs where even one unfinished task felt like a failure. Society reinforces this skewed belief that not being 100% all the time signals a lack of motivation, pushing us to chase immediate perfection rather than embrace incremental growth—1% better each day until we reach 100%.
This obsession with perfection makes us harsh on ourselves because self-compassion feels slow and uncertain, while criticism is clear and direct. We crave definitive answers, but in doing so, we follow external expectations instead of trusting ourselves.
We’re mean to ourselves because our inner critic is shaped by low self-esteem, past failures, authority figures' judgments, and life's hardships, making us harsh and self-punishing. Mistakenly we think that hardness is strength when in fact it’s a shielf to protect our vulnerability.
My self-worth is not my productivity
Today, I’m working with the baby, facing a long to-do list. I know it’s unrealistic, but I still feel the urge to get it all done. If I fall short, my inner critic will tell me I’m lazy and a failure.
I’ve been practising kind self-talk for the last month and am realising that instead of berating myself or giving into depressive thoughts, I can go to neutral. I can admit, “I’m struggling right now to get it all done,” giving myself some credit that I am trying. I may still expect myself to do things perfectly but motherhood is a profound lesson in imperfection and letting go of control.
Self-compassion: Opening up possibilities
Self-compassion has been linked to higher levels of happiness, optimism, curiosity and connectedness, as well as decreased anxiety, depression, rumination and fear of failure (Neff, 2009).
Self-compassion applies both to suffering from hardships and to disappointment caused by one's own mistakes, failures, or shortcomings.
Self-compassion acts like a ray of sunshine because it helps us to surrender to what is, heal and overcome obstacles in a nurturing way. By being kind to ourselves we’re more likely to make changes, let go of harsh self-talk when failure strikes, and admit mistakes and faults so we can find more constructive ways to succeed. Self-compassion is also about being intrinsically motivated to improve (rather than seeking external validation), ensuring sustainable progress.
Kristen Neff (2003) shares the 3 keys to self-compassion as:
1) Self-kindness (versus self-judgement)
Self-kindness means treating yourself with care and understanding instead of harsh judgment, offering comfort rather than a rigid, unemotional response in difficult times.
2) Common humanity (versus isolation)
Common humanity means recognizing that imperfection, failure, and mistakes are universal, helping us view our shortcomings with a greater perspective.
3) Mindfulness (versus overidentification)
Mindfulness, a key part of self-compassion, means staying aware of the present without ignoring or over-focusing on negativity.
Kindness is honouring our humanness
We want each day to be a linear line but it’s often a squiggly mess. Things don’t go the way we want them and this results in frustration and stress. I may fall short of my to-do list, but instead of fighting against myself, I can accept my situation as a mother wanting the best for my son. How can I be a best friend to myself, giving myself supportive words that will encourage me?
When I’m being mean to myself, now I try
Neutralising negativity: Before I start believing negative thoughts, I ask, “What’s logically happening right now without any emotion?” Once I say what is happening neutrally, I can see that any judgements are false.
Switch the inner critic to inner mentor: How can I switch from harsh, self-punishing words to supportive and kind words?
Love over hate: When I start hating aspects of myself (lazy, didn’t do what I said, “failing”) I highlight what trait I desire and use this as inspiration (lazy > productive, didn’t do what I said > integrity, “failing” > progressing).