Motherhood: I’m not perfect (and that’s ok)
Many of us enter motherhood chasing perfection, only to feel pressured, stressed, and overwhelmed. I share why letting go of unrealistic standards and why starting it now (messily) can free us from the perfection trap. [17.12.24.]
What is perfection?
A perfectionist often has high standards and is overly critical if they don’t achieve 100% success. Expecting flawlessness and wanting to control situations and people is frustrating because daily life is messy.
What’s confusing about perfection is that it’s what gets praised by society. Perfectionists are high achievers since they focus on results. What we don’t see is that perfectionists hide their depression, low self-esteem and anxiety.
When unrealistic goals aren’t met perfectionists criticise themselves and practice black-and-white thinking (“I win or fail,” “I do it or don’t do it,” “I’m a winner or loser” etc). Therefore, failure is scary since nothing but 100% completion is acceptable, making them procrastinate on new tasks.
Perfection & procrastination
Since perfectionists fear failure they worry about doing something badly. They may obsess about all the details that they freeze and fail to start at all (because the idea of doing it perfectly is too much pressure). The more things they procrastinate on the more overwhelmed and anxious they become.
They then self-isolate because they view themselves as inferior compared to others. This leads to low self-esteem and their self-image is also affected by having an inferiority complex. When others offer constructive criticism, perfectionists may act defensively because having their weaknesses called out feels painful (since they take criticism personally). This contrasts with those who are more emotionally flexible to see criticism as a way to grow and improve.
Motherhood: the perfection trap (waiting for a good time to start)
For me, perfectionism shows up as all-or-nothing thinking, a need for control (like cleaning and long to-do lists), and harsh self-talk when I don’t finish everything. I fall into the trap of viewing the day as a failure when only part of my goals are done. At times, the overwhelm leads to procrastination, making tasks pile up and triggering anxiety.
It’s also common to wait for the perfect time to take action (waiting for the perfect time, conditions or a version of themselves) before starting something new. In Playing Big by Tara Mohr, she mentions that perfection can be a form of self-sabotage, rooted in fear and self-doubt.
The antidote to perfection is to take imperfect action, focusing on progress and experimentation. Tara Mohr mentions, “We don’t become ready by waiting for perfection; we become ready by taking action.” Growth and readiness come through starting and learning as we go.
Kind self-talk, embrace mess and start now
There’s no quick fix to perfection. I still feel the need to be perfect, and for many, it’s deeply ingrained, so doing things imperfectly feels disorienting. Motherhood has jolted me into accepting the mess, the process, and the criticism (though I still act defensively).
With life changes, we shed our old selves to become bigger versions of who we’re meant to be. It’s like the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly—dissolving and reassembling in the chrysalis, leaving behind the old form for a new identity.
During this process, it can feel lonely and dark. Our culture values quick results, but there will be moments when we must embrace uncertainty. Perfection is a letting go of what’s known and leaping into the unknown.
To shed perfection, I can start valuing the process, not demanding immediate results. Being human means not being productive all the time—failure holds lessons. Our human worth is not made up of what we do but who we are. I can start things imperfectly, not needing every task to be finished. And criticism? Not all of it is an attack. Motherhood is full of little mistakes, but they’re necessary steps to growth.