Motherhood: have I lost my identity?
Motherhood is full of household chores, responsibilities and includes a heavy mental load. Is it any wonder 72% of new mothers feel invisible and 93% feel unappreciated, unacknowledged or unseen? And yet, how we rediscover ourselves and reclaim our identity is up to us.
No one can prepare to be a mother. One day you’re sans child, and the next you’re a plus one wherever you go. Just going for a run requires a schedule.
Motherhood is the ultimate experience of change and transformation—every aspect of a woman’s life, from her identity to relationships and career changes. And yet, with all these changes, a mother has to undergo a delicate balancing act of achieving professional and maternal success.
Most mothers (including myself) won’t admit they’re overwhelmed. Going on social media often feeds us the highlight reel of how things should be. This leads to toxic positivity (a “good vibes only” approach to life that ignores negative or nuanced emotions in favour of simplistic explanations).
Toxic positivity
As a new mother, we’re told unhelpful platitudes like, “you’re so lucky, some people can’t have babies,” or “you must be so happy spending all day with your baby,” or “just get some self-care.” People mean well but it’s as if they don’t want to hear anything real because that would make them uncomfortable. It’s often easier to go along with the toxic positivity narrative, that “everything’s fine,” seething while smiling because it’s easier.
Meanwhile, a 2023 survey found that 90% of women feel expected to work like they don’t have children and mother like they don’t work. This shows that mothers often have to put on a happy face to play a role, dealing with high expectations from work and home.
The happy mask & radical acceptance
Sometimes using positive affirmations can help. A quick reframe of “I get to this” rather than “I have to do this” can make us feel better. And yet, when we’re struggling we can’t necessarily sugarcoat our feelings pretending we’re happy.
Being a stay-at-home mom will involve a range of emotions such as boredom, joy, frustration, anger, ease, and feeling utterly lost. It’s more complex than just putting on a happy face.
It’s easy to feel invisible as all questions go directed to the baby (as they should). The other day I saw a photo of me from a few years ago. I had just climbed Snowdonia. I had both hands in the air with a carefree smile. I had tears in my eyes as I asked myself when I’d experience such peaks again. A year on and my days tend to blend into one another with not much differentiation. Sometimes I feel sad and long for the freedom of my past self. It’s bittersweet because I didn’t realise I could do anything then. It’s only when the option has been taken away that you come to value it.
Learning to practice radical acceptance lets me acknowledge my difficult feelings without covering them. By not judging them, feelings of sadness are allowed to exist without me feeling guilt, blame or shame. I’m not denying or avoiding these emotions and this allows me to process them.
Burnout and “mommy brain”
Becoming a mother can also involve mood swings. Some days I believe I can do anything, other days it’s as if nothing is working. During pregnancy the hormone progesterone is high but as soon as the baby is born, the amount falls steeply. Research suggests that the sudden drop in progesterone can lead to postpartum depression (since the hormone acts on the brain to help balance mood).
The sudden mental load can also lead to “mommy brain” (memory loss and brain fog). In fact, 80% of pregnant women say that they experience subjective memory loss, and postpartum women experience similar amounts.
Trying to remember lists, groceries and appointments has left me stuttering when I try to recall everything. It’s as if my brain can’t hold all the facts and details. I know the word I want to say but the word won’t come out. It’s easy to feel burnout. Although burnout is traditionally defined as a workplace phenomenon (WHO, 2019), and has three components: exhaustion, reduced efficacy, and feeling negative about one’s job - burnout can also be linked to motherhood.
Not officially a mental health condition, mom burnout feels like a state of mental, emotional and physical exhaustion. Just getting all the parenthood tasks done each day takes out most of my energy and I don’t have much left to give come evening.
Rediscovering You
Sometimes we feel lost. Our old life has gone and we’re waiting in limbo for our new identity to emerge. During these periods I’ve started to do mini visualisations (5 minutes or less) on how I’d like my future self to be. Sometimes this vision seems so far removed from the daily demands and chaos of motherhood. I then choose to focus on a more realistic intention. What would an ideal day look like? And how can I add one or two elements to my day? A walk here, a deep breath in and out there, drinking a glass of water, and somehow I gather my energy to believe that my dreams are still possible (they just require persistence and patience).
How we rediscover ourselves is up to us. Sure, we can clarify our values, spend more time reconnecting with hobbies, find a new passion and purpose in our careers, become better at boundaries to reclaim our time, engage with our community, become fit and strong, become a more supportive partner, invest in ourselves, learn to include our children in our interests - the list is endless.
And yet, in the rush of survival “finding our identity” becomes another task to tick off the list. What if rediscovering ourselves is an intrinsic process where we listen to our soul’s calling? Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
Self-reliance and self-trust
Emerson is telling us to trust our inner voice rather than conform to societal expectations. In his essay “Self-Reliance” he believes each person has a unique genius and should resist the pressure to conform. We must be authentic to our instincts and values. As mothers, it’s easy to be influenced by external messages forgetting ourselves. By prioritising what matters to us we reclaim our desire and find fulfilment by honouring who we are and who we want to be.
Like all worthwhile pursuits, reclaiming our identity takes effort. Finding our identity, cultivating it and keeping it rich and strong is a process similar to gardening. In this way, growth is like pruning a plant: we must trim away the dead parts for the healthy parts to flourish.
Summary
Motherhood often feels overwhelming with endless chores and responsibilities. It's no wonder 72% of new mothers feel invisible and 93% feel unappreciated.
Becoming a mother transforms every part of your life—your identity, relationships, and career. Balancing professional and maternal roles is a delicate act.
Many mothers face toxic positivity, pressured to always appear happy, which only adds to feelings of overwhelm and burnout.
Hormonal changes and the mental load of motherhood can lead to "mommy brain" and postpartum depression.
Rediscovering your identity means embracing self-reliance, valuing your personal needs, and pruning away what no longer serves you to grow and thrive.
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