Frustration & radical acceptance
What do you do when you repress frustration for so long that it begins to bubble up into anger and anxiety? Radical acceptance may be the first step to healing.
Lately, I've been feeling a lot of anger, which erupts in sarcastic or mean comments. I’m not sure where this anger comes from, but it's new and unsettling.
When a friend casually mentioned she couldn’t decide between seeing a friend or going to an exhibition, jealousy clawed at me. I used to have endless options, but motherhood changed that. I can’t go for a quick run without the baby or take spontaneous trips.
Choices close off other possibilities. It's tempting to stay in limbo, but not making a choice is still a choice. There’s grief in losing the freedom of my old life. I miss lazy weekends and spontaneous plans. Seeing friends advance in their careers or travel makes me happy for them but sad for my own loss.
Celebrating others can be painful when it highlights your limitations. I’m working on genuinely being happy for others' successes without feeling inadequate. It's hard when their achievements seem effortless compared to my struggles.
It's not just jealousy and anger I repress. Since becoming a mother, I’ve had ongoing anxiety. My mind races with worries about the baby and daily tasks. Hormonal changes from pregnancy and weaning may contribute to this unease, leaving me sad, anxious, and irritable.
Practicing radical acceptance helps me acknowledge and process these feelings without judgment, allowing me to honour real emotions.
Tara Brach's "Radical Acceptance" teaches us to meditate on our current emotions, whether positive or negative, and welcome them without judgment. This approach helps process difficult feelings instead of getting stuck in old narratives.
Many of us feel unworthy, constantly striving for perfection and using distractions to escape our inadequacies, which only isolates us further. By letting go of perfection, connecting with others, and practicing self-compassion, we can become more mindful.
For instance, when we fear missing a deadline, we might stress-eat to cope. Instead, we should acknowledge and accept our anxiety, offering ourselves compassion without seeking escape.
Motherhood is a gift, but I often wish I could accomplish more. Radical acceptance doesn't mean giving up ambitions. It means accepting uncontrollable situations without judgment. I can recognize my frustration and anxiety without denying them.
Accepting our pain is the first step to freedom. Resistance only makes it persist. Self-awareness lets me see my frustration and jealousy, and understand that this isn't my true self. By accepting my reality, I can avoid emotional reactivity and recognize that this phase of life is temporary. It's okay to feel a range of emotions.
Ways I’m inviting radical acceptance…
〰️Change myself and not others: let go of expecting others to change. They are who they are. Work on my mindset and how I respond
〰️Struggle is ok: switch “this shouldn’t be happening” to “this is happening and I can deal with it”
〰️Resistance: see what I’m resisting and imagine the peace I’d feel if I could accept a situation
〰️See the grey: look for the nuance rather than seeing something/ someone as good or bad
〰️Accept responsibility: accept my role in a situation and see what I can change
〰️Tightness: can I let go of tightness or restriction in my body consciously?
〰️Cry: create space to cry or release pent-up emotions
Life transitions bring up a lot of hard emotions that aren’t pretty. I’ve had crying spells, angry outbursts and depressive days. We may not share our shadow selves with others but the more we can accept our whole selves, the more we seek to gain.
I recently read a Reddit thread that asked, “How many of you feel you’ve lost your identity by becoming a mom?” and @TallyNalao8 said:
The whole motherly love scam: Somewhere along the way, people decided that loving your kids = never getting a break and that just sounds like a recipe for erasure.
But, it doesn't necessarily last forever. The kids get past their cuddly stage, someone else has a baby, something else happens in your life and then people get back to asking you about you, you get back in the swing of things, the kids learn to make their own breakfast and pick out outfits and you become a new version of you but still "you".
This comment validated me. No matter how resentful, angry or anxious I may feel at times, it’s temporary. We may want to pretend we’re perfect but the truth eventually finds us when we’re broken and lost. At our most desperate times, we dig deep into our souls and rediscover our messy, raw and authentic parts that long to be seen.
Children grow, and parents grow. We get better and stronger and reclaim ourselves again. I may have lost some elements of freedom such as lying in bed until late on a weekend, but equally, I’ve gained so much too. My baby shows me the joy of being alive. Just feeling the sun on his face is enough for him to laugh and smile. It all comes back to radical acceptance. Slowly I’m understanding that it’s ok to struggle and I don’t need to fight these hard emotions. When I ride them out, the wave eventually ends and the shore is in sight.
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