Anxiety, acceptance & entropy
Anxiety is a feeling of unease, worry or fear. I’ve always had an anxious mind. Since becoming a mom, my anxiety has increased because of course there are more unknowns than ever.
Mom Anxiety
Although anxiety can yield positive results (such as being good in a crisis) it often feels like I’m overwhelmed. My mind is juggling ten balls at the same time and with each ball I drop there is a sense of impending doom.
In the first few months of being a mom, I felt like there were food lists to write, household supplies to stock up on, baby items to order online, work to be done, cleaning to start, household chores to keep on top of, and meals to be made.
My mind couldn’t keep track of the to-do list. I knew that I had to do so many things but I was so tired. The more I didn’t do what I needed to do, the more frustrated I became. I’d compare myself to other moms and felt a sense of self-loathing because I wasn’t as organised as others.
As well as comparing myself, I felt frustrated by how slow everything was. It took me a whole day to fill in a form because there were constant interruptions. If I couldn’t even fill out a form, what use was I? I began to feel isolated, lonely and useless.
Belief: we’re made of stars
Yes, I’ve become more anxious as a mom. I worry about my baby and whether I can give him the life he deserves. But as I looked up at the stars I began to realise how small I was.
Towards the end of May, my little family (partner and baby) went to The National Space Centre in Leicester, UK. As we lay back in the dark auditorium, looking up the projector of tiny stars, I began to feel invisible.
“Invisible” is usually a negative term. We want to be visible, make an impact, and take up space. And yet, it is comforting to know that you are small. That your worries, dreams, and desires are little and in the blink of an eye your life will be gone. Since we are small and there is a bigger universe out there, why not try and dare to be more than our “invisible” selves?
It’s said that most of the elements of our bodies were formed in stars throughout billions of years and multiple star lifetimes. Carl Sagan, the American astronomer, said, “we are made up of star stuff.” Our bodies are made up of carbon, nitrogen and oxygen atoms. If we’re made up of stars then we are part of the universe - we are surrounded by what is already within us. We don’t need to look up to the stars because we are stars and within us is the power and presence to be limitless.
Anxiety in its own messy way is miraculous. Out of the chaos, there is new life. What is terrifying is that there is a degree of disorder and entropy within the world. Entropy is the “degradation of matter and energy in the universe to an ultimate state of inert uniformity. Entropy is the general trend of the universe toward death and disorder” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary, 2024). Similar to chaos theory, within the random and complex there are chaotic systems (repetition, patterns, self-organisation, interconnectedness, self-similarity, and constant feedback loops). Simply, put, within disorder, there is a unique order.
If we can accept that the world is essentially moving towards disorder, we can stop trying to control that process and surrender to what is. This is not the same thing as giving up. We can still strive for excellence while releasing the need for everything to work out as we want it to. Like anxiety, the mind spontaneously catastrophes and imagines worst-case scenarios. Motherhood will bring up many challenges that I’m not ready for. And yet, I am ready because the present is a mix of disorder and unique ordering systems that I can find and use to my advantage. By bringing more acceptance and non-judgement to negative thoughts I’m starting to surrender to how things are now.
Anxiety, acceptance and apples
We go through changes. I became a mom and with that, my old identity is gone. With a big life change comes a transition and a move into a new chapter. I’m beginning to create a new vision of what my future holds (all the while accepting what is of course).
Anxiety lurks in the shadows because disorder, chaos and calamity are close. I like being in control because everything has a perfect order. Surprisingly, I’m grateful for being thrust into the mess of motherhood because I’ve learnt that perfection doesn’t exist. How convenient it is to wait for perfect conditions to start. How convenient it is to see a wide open land of opportunity and choose to stay in a box. How convenient it is to limit myself so I don’t need to take action.
Being imperfect is messier and confronting and uncomfortable. The mess is also where the magic lies. If we see the land of opportunity, it is also our responsibility to sow the seeds, reap the fields, and pull out the weeds. No one will tend to our land because it is uniquely ours to care for and cultivate.
I know I’ll feel anxious soon. There will be a form I haven’t filled, or a website I haven’t updated, or a person I haven’t emailed back. And it’s ok because I am learning to act rather than avoid. I see my anxious thoughts now (“hello anxious thought, I know you’re saying this is real but it isn’t and I’m going to get through this”). By accepting anxiety and all the frustration, anger, and impatience that come from motherhood, I’m beginning to process difficult emotions (rather than bottle them up). Acceptance is a daily ritual and like the phrase “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” “acceptance each day, keeps anxiety at bay.”
TLDR
Motherhood has increased my anxiety. I’m left comparing myself to other moms, not feeling enough.
Visiting the National Space Centre helped me gain perspective on my worries, realising that in the grand scheme of the universe, my problems are small.
The concept of being made of "star stuff" inspired me to see myself as part of the universe, embracing my inner power and potential.
Embracing the disorder and chaos of life, especially in motherhood, has taught me to accept imperfections and strive for excellence without needing control.
Acceptance of anxiety and imperfections has become a daily practice, letting me process emotions and take action (rather than avoid the trigger).
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