Anti-resolutions setting: what if there is no magic pill?
What if we accept there is no magic pill to transformation? When we realise that there are no 7 steps to success, we can appreciate our messy selves (as opposed to waiting to be our “best self.” Anti-resolution setting (a “not-to-do” list that involves giving up a goal or making space to try new things) ensures we set realistic intentions and are kinder (not self-critical) to ourselves. Here are a few reflections on embracing chaos, allowing for slow growth, and intuitively listening to where we’re at now —intrinsically following the next best step. [19.11.24.]
New Year resolutions don’t work - so now what?
What if we set no goals for 2025, achieved nothing, and remained the same? Could we still love ourselves and recognize our worth?
Recently, a friend who’s a mom of two said, “every day is exactly the same.” She felt ground down by her job, housework, rinse and repeat lifestyle but had little energy to “start a new hobby” or “find her bliss” (as typically we’re advised to do if we sense our stuckness). I listened to her and tried to give her some easy solutions when I suddenly heard my intuition tell me, “just listen - she doesn’t want a fix or solutions.”
How does this relate to anti-resolutions? We often seek to improve uncomfortable situations by seeking advice, only to feel deflated when it doesn’t work. This leads to a cycle of self-doubt, hopelessness, blaming ourselves for a lack of discipline and sinking into self-loathing.
It’s tempting to read another self-help book to fix our self-esteem, motivation, lack of follow-through. Yet the advice is too general, too woo-woo (“just think positive thoughts and manifest your destiny”). No one knows our insecurities, brain chemistry, our unique limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging habits—so new advice rarely works.
Listening to my friend allowed her to tell me what was in her heart without there needing to be a fix. By accepting this is her season of life right now I could feel a little lightness on her part. She still had the stress, frustration and sadness simmering in the background of her being, but she had shifted into self-acceptance.
Anti-resolution 1: Accept the s*it show
Self-improvement is future-focused but the more we sprinkle acceptance into who we are now, the more we learn how to do things imperfectly. Pretending we can “wake up at 5 am,” or “exercise every day without fail,” sets up unrealistic expectations.
Today, as I was waiting in a queue I saw a girl before me talk to her friend, order something online on her phone and then grab her card to pay the cashier. We’re constantly multitasking, cramming our to-dos and stacking them on top of each other. Some may use hyper-focus and mono-tasking to get things done but if you’re a parent, have ADHD, or a multi-potentialite it’s likely you have to juggle various balls.
When we stop waiting for the “perfect time” to start and accept life’s chaos we can start to make small efforts to improve each day. When we ask ourselves, “what can I do now?” we build momentum and let go of rigid perfectionism. Flexible growth includes pivoting, reprioritising, and finding creative (alternative and non-obvious) solutions that fit our lifestyles and brain chemistry.
Anti-resolution 2: Allow for slow growth
There’s a place for planning. And there’s a place for unfolding —surrendering into the now. Capitalistic society often demands quantity over quality, production over progress, results over reflection. Unfolding is not contrary to progress—in fact, it’s more sustainable and intuitive. Unfolding refers to gradually revealing, developing or coming into view. The metaphorical definition is the gradual emergence or development of a situation, idea or story.
For me it’s a natural rhythm of progressing, revealing clues and discoveries. Layers, nuances, and complexities emerge if we allow them to (rather than demand them to). To allow for slow growth, slow progress, and slow emergence is to believe in the process. Intuitive unfolding is not about having no plan, it’s simply giving ourselves space to dream, imagine and discover so we can adapt and act according to our internal rhythms and what is happening at this moment.
Instead of New Year Resolutions —try this
Anti-resolutions setting isn’t about not having goals, plans or intentions. It’s simply acknowledging our limited time and to prioritise what is important to us right now. Before we set a goal we can ask, “is this an intrinsic or extrinsic goal?” Intrinsic motivation (doing something we enjoy or want to do, without external pressure) helps us to find intrinsic joy in the process rather than relentlessly strive for results. Of course, we have responsibilities and not every intention will be pleasurable but permitting ourselves to desire more (even if it takes time) is an act of self-love.
Anti-resolutions setting ideas
Make Dailyish Goals: Set flexible, realistic habits, like meditating for 1-5 minutes each morning (or 10 deep breaths), instead of rigid routines.
Focus on what matters: Highlight one meaningful goal rather than doing everything. Ask: “What am I avoiding that truly needs my attention?”
Be “good enough”: Accept imperfection and challenge feelings of inadequacy when tasks aren’t fully completed. Seek creative alternatives.
Embrace struggle: Adapt to your life’s challenges by working organically and in ways that support your season of life.
Accountability: Partner with someone to share your goals regularly, reflecting on successes and challenges each week or month to make steady, incremental improvements.
No assumptions: Don’t assume you’ll get all your goals done without brainstorming possible obstacles and ways to go around them. Also, talk directly to yourself and others to avoid conflict and misguided assumptions/ judgements (for example, change: “I didn’t do what I said I’d do. I’ll never finish,” to “I didn’t finish. I can start now and see how much I get done.”)