My soft-era of self-belief & self-efficacy
When we experience big life transitions we’re often broken open. We’re called to find authentic success in a kinder, gentler way—expanding our vision of “success.” I share how motherhood has challenged constant productivity into a more intentional way of finding inner confidence. [13.11.24.]
Motherhood: my struggles & self-doubt
Since becoming a mother, I’ve become more aware of my flaws. Every day, there’s a spill, a mess, or a forgotten to-do. My perfectionistic self wants to do everything 100% perfectly—to tick all the chores off. And yet, how realistic is it to power through all our daily to-dos?
For the last 1.5 years, it seems I’ve been in a time warp. Days blur into one, and I ask, “What day is it?” (I know this is a privileged thing to say, and I’m not complaining.) Negativity bias (the tendency to focus more on negative experiences or information than positive ones, highlighting the negative) creeps in. My brain spotlights my flaws and insecurities, and I’m hypervigilant to potential threats. My mind races with what I’ve forgotten: “what dates am I forgetting?” “have I meal prepped?” “what do I have to do next week?” The background soundtrack to my life plays a song called “what if I forget something?”
It’s not as simple as simply reframing “what if something goes wrong?” to “what if something goes right?” We like binary answers because life would be much simpler if we could just be positive and leave anxiety/self-doubt behind. Instead of forcing myself to be more optimistic, I accept tiredness, frustration, annoyance without covering it up or numbing myself out.
I’m frustrated—now what? When the baby’s screaming, I can feel stressed without freezing. I can play music, reassure him calmly, and let him know he needs to wait. It’s okay to feel stress; I can still respond kindly without giving in just to quiet him.
Growing self-belief & self-efficacy
Self-belief is a feeling of trust, certainty and conviction in one’s abilities. Similarly, self-efficacy is the belief one can be successful at a certain task.
The underlying commonality between self-belief and self-efficacy is trust in oneself and by extension, one’s capabilities and gifts at executing a goal.
Building confidence, self-belief and self-efficacy while being a mother is tricky because of the constant interruptions and mishaps. Each day feels like a whack-a-mole of tasks, surprises and chores. Similarly, during big changes and life transitions, it’s impossible to take the standard advice of: “just set a SMART goal (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-Bound goals).” A linear way to achieve a goal or rise up the ladder to success is not feasible to many people. And yet, trusting ourselves to make mistakes, fail forwards and take mini leaps of faith is scary.
It’s tempting to Google out our intuition rather than take time to sit quietly with ourselves. Rather than berate myself for not getting a goal done that day, I’m experimenting with the following:
My soft era of success
In Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill, “success consciousness” is a term that allows one to see the possibility in the supposed “impossible.” Rather than brainstorm all the ways something isn’t possible, we can train our minds to look for clues, advantages, ways to progress forward with imagination. By having a vibrant vision of what we desire, a definite plan to go forward, and knowing we are Masters of our Fate we can choose favourable thoughts that spur us on.
Yes it’s important how we speak to ourselves and the words we use but so are our expectations. Having massive goals can leave us disappointed if we fail to meet them, whereas small goals are usually too easy and uninspiring. The sweet spot is having realistic goals that push us to expand. Nowadays I’m forgetting perfection and experimenting with non-linear, flexible, creative ways to work and achive. As a mother I have to accept that rigid goal setting doesn’t work for me. I’m entering into my soft-era approach to intention setting where having kinder, gentler ways to work allows me to value slow productivity.
Slow productivity & intentional work
Cal Newport describes slow productivity as:
“Slow productivity is not about producing less, but about aligning your work with what truly matters.”
Rather than mindlessly ticking off to-dos off a list, I ask myself: what’s the one thing that moves the needle today? This might be desigining my website, filling out an important form, or simply having a hard conversation I’m avoiding. It may not be possible to complete the task but knowing what is important/ what I value allows me to let go of rigid expectation that everything needs to be done now. When we ask: “what is meaningful productivity to me today?” we open up a new way to work.
Optimistic self-talk
We’re hardwired to notice negativity. It’s what keeps us in survival. To thrive, we need to find glimmers of what is working.
Yes, it takes more cognitive effort to be positive. Negativity slams shut possibility. Optimism opens up opportunities for new wayss of being. Similarly, when self-doubt comes, a few positive self-talk phrases I’m using are:
