Postpartum vs. Perinatal depression…and more
My birth story
It’s been one year since I gave birth to my son on 7th June 2023 at Warwick Hospital. One word that sums up this past year is: Epic. Epic ups and downs. Epic emotional breakdowns. Epic love.
My birth story was relatively easy. I’ve talked to some mothers who had horrific experiences and count myself lucky. I had an epidural (an injection inserted into my back to stop me from feeling the pain of contractions). I was in two minds accepting this but when giving birth I was screaming for the epidural. I had to scream for the anaesthetist and I believe that if I hadn’t made such a noise they would’ve said “She’s on another shift” (most staff are too tired to care).
I came into the Warwick Hospital at 4:30 pm and gave birth at 7 am the next day (that’s 14.5 hours of childbirth). It’s one of the most miraculous and exhausting things I’ve done. It gave me an insight into what life is. It’s both effortless and a tireless struggle to even be born. I had to both focus intensely and surrender to the pain and struggle. It was such a strange fascinating yet hard experience.
Postpartum depression vs. perinatal depression
The first few days I was in the glow of new motherhood. After a week or so it finally settled that this is my life now. Sleepless nights, the baby screaming as I struggled to nappy change, preparing milk bottles and constantly worrying that I had forgotten food or baby nail clippers or enough wet wipes. My partner worked whilst I was alone with the baby most of the day. I didn’t have a support network living near me and spent most days finding my schedule, dictated by the baby’s sleep patterns. It was months of the same routine which made me feel numb.
After a few months I realised that my mood would fluctuate between happy and sad and depressed and in despair. I would have crying fits of feeling like my life was over. I felt guilty that I felt this way since motherhood is meant to be happy and I shouldn’t be so selfish. I felt so many conflicting feelings that I just focused on getting through each day and putting the baby first.
Postpartum depression (PDD): depression experienced after childbirth. Unlike the baby blues, PDD doesn’t go away and affects daily life. Common symptoms include a loss of interest in what you once found pleasurable, appetite changes, anxiety, racing thoughts, feelings of guilt, worthlessness, blame, mood swings, and sadness (uncontrollable crying fits), among other symptoms.
Perinatal depression: Perinatal is the period when you become pregnant and up to a year after giving birth. Perinatal mental illness affects up to 27% of new and expectant mums (NHS, 2024) and includes feelings of depression, anxious thoughts and sadness.
Other motherhood mental health terms
Antenatal or prenatal, meaning 'before birth': this refers to the time when you're pregnant.
Postnatal or postpartum, meaning 'after birth': this refers to the first year after you give.
Insomnia: sleep issues where the mother doesn’t get enough sleep
Adjustment Disorder: when a mother has difficulty adjusting to the changes that come with motherhood.
Perinatal Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: this is a type of OCD that occurs during pregnancy or the postpartum period. Symptoms can include intrusive, unwanted thoughts related to your baby’s safety, excessive hand washing or cleaning.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): mothers who have experienced a traumatic event, such as a difficult childbirth or the loss of a child, may develop PTSD. Symptoms can include intrusive thoughts, nightmares and avoidance behaviours.
Common motherhood fears and pressures
My mom told me to join baby groups and open myself up to local communities. I go to baby and toddler groups in my local area as it helps with the baby’s socialisation. I thought I’d make new mom friends but it’s like talking to fellow cat owners and thinking you’ll be best friends. Now I’m just grateful to have a chat.
The reason why I felt so isolated and alone in the first year of being a new mom is that society puts this massive pressure for mothers to be happy, have a fulfilling career, be a great cook and homemaker, be nurturing, and be on-top of family appointments. I still struggle with multi-tasking and still have brain fog from trying to remember it all.
Mind UK mentions that moms have a pressure to be happy and excited and to:
Like you have to manage everything well
Worried you're a bad parent
That other people will judge you for how you're feeling
Like you should be focusing on your baby instead of yourself
Scared that someone will take your baby away from you, if you're open about your feelings
I think the pressure to ‘be it all’ and ‘do it all’ makes mothers perfectionistic. When they can’t do it all they feel shame, guilt and self-blame if they don’t meet those standards. We all want the best for our baby but putting everything to such a high standard can be exhausting. Now, I’m learning to ease into things rather than rigidly expecting myself to be a certain way. That means I embrace mess, mistakes, failures - because being perfect is a toxic belief that doesn’t do anyone any good. It puts pressure on the mom to keep up with appearances, and it lets others judge what “a good mother” should be like without understanding the nuances of each mother’s life.
Motherhood now: 1 year on
1 year on and I still feel like a work in progress. I still have perfectionistic tendencies that are hard to break (I self-blame if everything isn’t perfect) but I’m letting go of how I think things should look like to accepting them as they are. This doesn’t mean I’m giving up or settling. I’m still ambitious and want more but I’m learning not to indulge in a lack mentality (“I’m not good enough,” “I don’t have a big home,” “I can’t work with a baby”).
I’m so grateful to have a healthy baby boy but there is inevitable frustration when he’s tantruming, or when I want to work but have to look after his needs first, or when I oversleep. Motherhood is messy but the more I go with it (as opposed to fighting it), the more I can move forward. He’s taught me to look at life more holistically (it’s not just about what we own but who we are), he’s taught me to look for the light and joyful moments, as well as stay grateful (even and especially in hard times).
Lessons I’d tell myself (1 year ago)…
Be present: Stop trying to race through to-dos and notice the small happy moments with baby (they’re fleeting).
Be grateful: Even in hard moments, I can be grateful because struggle makes me expand (you are growing stronger).
Don’t compare: Forget the status quo and do things your own way. Be extraordinary by going beyond the ordinary (you do you).
Dreams: Just because your dreams aren’t happening now doesn’t mean they won’t (block out time to invest in yourself).
Channel: Channel frustration into constructive activities (tidying, writing, exercising etc).
Magic and mess: There is magic in the mess if you allow yourself to surrender (work with the mess - don’t fight it).
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