Finding gratitude when “it could be worse”
Recently, I’ve been feeling stuck in my life. As I walked up to the traffic lights I pressed the button. Next to me was a woman in a wheelchair with no legs, laughing with a friend. She had sparkling eyes and an aura of positivity. I wondered, “why aren’t I more grateful?”
Social comparison
When I glanced at the woman with no legs I felt pity. And then I saw how happy she was. She had a beaming smile and was laughing with a friend. Meanwhile, I was perfectly healthy and yet I was anxious and overwhelmed by motherhood. As we waited for the lights to turn, we exuded two very different emotions.
I compared myself in that instance and I thought, “I should be more grateful. Why aren’t I more grateful?” “I have two working legs, I’m healthy, and have a baby. Why isn’t this enough?” The answer might lie in social comparison (Leon Festinger, 1954).
Upward and downward comparison
We often compare ourselves with others to see how we stack up against others— engaging in upward or downward comparison. Upwards comparison is when we compare ourselves to someone we believe is superior or better than us. We often do this when we want to improve our ability, level or skill. We want to find similar results.
Downwards comparison is when we compare ourselves with someone worse off than us so we can feel better about ourselves. We often use upward comparison when we want to learn and improve, and downward comparison when we want to feel secure in ourselves.
Black and white labels are wrong
In this instance with the woman in the wheelchair, perhaps I was initially using downward comparison. But I soon realised how condescending I was because this woman was nuanced, complicated and full of life. It’s silly to put people into categories in black-and-white labels but we do. We think in black-and-white because it’s easier than thinking in a nuanced way. It takes time to understand and for accurate conclusions to be made. We want fast assumptions, that make us feel safe—even when they’re inaccurate.
Mothering, patience and self-esteem
Motherhood has been testing my patience in ways I never imagined, and it’s something I’m still working on. Everything feels slower now—just getting my baby dressed and out the door can take over an hour, when it used to take 30 minutes. Meanwhile, I watch others launch careers, get married, and buy houses, and I’ve found myself comparing.
I was never a jealous person before, but when something feels out of reach, it becomes all the more desirable. Lately, it’s been hard not to let this affect my self-esteem. I used to have a positive, go-getter mentality, but the exhaustion and constant interruptions of motherhood have been weighing on me. I’m aware of this and want to work on finding balance —feeling genuine gratitude (not just trying to be grateful but it’s good to do).
Being grateful now
As I crossed the street, a moment of gratitude for my health quickly dissolved into a new worry. It’s a reminder of how easily we forget what we have, thanks to our negativity bias—the brain’s natural tendency to focus on threats for survival. While this kept us alive for thousands of years, it doesn’t help when it comes to cultivating gratitude.
What I’ve realised is that my brain will always notice lack and potential danger. However, I can still choose to focus on what I’m grateful for in the present, regardless of what’s happening around me. It’s like the Bible verse: “To everyone who has, more will be given.” When we appreciate what we have, we open ourselves to abundance.
I often find my brain anxious about change, but I’m experimenting with feeling grateful anyway. It’s not just being grateful “when it could be worse,” but being grateful anyway (whatever the situation). Some days, I get caught in stress, but other times I rise above it. This shift—choosing gratitude even in tough seasons—is colouring my days into more vibrant ones. We only have the present, and circumstances will always shift, so choosing a good attitude makes sense. Let’s see if I can keep practicing this.
TL;DR
Social comparison: impacts how we see ourselves. Often we use upward comparisons (if we want to learn and improve) and downward comparisons (if we want to feel better about ourselves).
Motherhood has challenged my patience and self-esteem. Often I find myself comparing myself to others, and feeling envy which blocks gratitude.
Negativity bias (our tendency to focus on the negative) makes me feel anxious but choosing gratitude anyway (regardless of the situation) can shift perspective. Learning to be grateful even when you’re struggling can lead to more vibrant and enriching days.
✍️ Journal prompt: How has a past struggle shaped you for the better, and how can you be grateful for that growth now?