The drama triangle: step into a drama-free life

Do you feel alone and resentful in your relationships? Maybe it’s an argumentative partner, a distant family member, or an angry boss. Our relationships affect our health and happiness. I share how the drama tirangle can help us live more peaceful and drama-free life.

What is the drama triangle?

The drama triangle was founded by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman in 1968. He was influenced by Eric Berne (creator of Transactional Analysis, or TA). Berne believed when adults talk to one another they play games to get their needs met. Our personality is made up of child, parent or adult states which impact the other person’s state and response. The ideal conversation allows us to use a balanced adult state, which also allows the other to respond from an adult state.

The drama triangle is also a model of the roles we play when interacting with others. Often we fall into old patterns, feelings and actions. We unconsciously enter and maintain the “drama triangle” composed of the Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer.

The three roles

(1) Victim: “Poor me”

Victims feel powerless and hopeless to change their situation. They don’t take responsibility for their circumstances.

Their energy is one of powerlessness and discouragement. Their lack of self-belief makes them indecisive, lack problem-solving capabilities, or self-efficacy skills. This prolongs their self-doubt.

They blame Persecutors (or others for their circumstances) and they seek Rescuers to solve their issues.

(2) Rescuer: “I’ll help you”

Rescuers feel responsible to help and save others. They may help others without boundaries and keep Victims dependent. They are busy putting out fires and may neglect their own wants and needs, eventually getting burnt out and resentful.

They have “saviour energy” meaning that they want to save the day and feel guilty for “letting others down.”

They help Victims feel a sense of purpose by helping others.

(3) Persecutor: “It’s your fault”

Persecutors are strict and firm, seeing things in black and white. They are critical and expect high standards at any cost.

Their energy is similar to a critical parent.

They are expert critics, finding faults easily, maintaining a rigid perspective. They can blame and bully the Victim, and critique the Rescuer but hold no solutions to problems.

Why all the drama?

We unconsciously enter the drama triangle when we argue with others. Depending on who we talk to, we adopt a role: Victim (“poor me”), Rescuer (“I’ll save you”) or Persecutor (“It’s your fault”). As the interaction develops we may switch roles.

For example:

• We wake up tired, notice the dishes aren't done, and become the Persecutor to our partner: “Why didn’t you tidy up?” This triggers our partner into the Victim role: “I was tired—so what?” The argument escalates, and roles switch, with our partner becoming the Persecutor: “Why did you leave the lights on?” and us becoming the Victim: “Why are you picking on me?”

• After a frustrating day at work, we call our mum to vent about our boss: “They gave me too much work, and I stayed 2 hours late,” pushing her into the Rescuer role: “You should tell your boss you can’t work overtime. Do you want help drafting an email?”

We may naturally assume a role from the start of a conversation but change roles as the subject shifts. We may also blame others for not taking on responsibility and become harsh (Perpetrator role) which enflames arguments. The Victim then feels even more victimised and powerless, leading to low self-esteem.

Sometimes we may play out childhood roles because it feels comfortable. For example if we had domineering parents we may naturally fall into Victim roles. If we had to take care of a sibling or parent we fall into a Rescuer role. If we were neglected as children we may feel angry and criticise others, falling into the Persecutor role.

The drama triangle is largely unconscious as we escape into familiar habits and patterns from past relationships. In the middle of the argument we can feel stuck as if we’re recycling past conversations, feeling victimised, or persecuted, or like we’re always rescuing. So, how do we escape the drama-triangle?

Triggered? Try this…

(1) Spot your role: Do you typically play the Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor role? Reflect on childhood patterns and notice if they impact your role today. What’s your “favourite role” that feels comfortable?

(2) Stay present: Rather than blaming others, focus on your own thoughts, feelings and actions.

(3) Zone of integrity: Imagine entering a zone of integrity. If you’re honest with yourself, are you acting in integrity to your highest values? If you’re blaming others or situations, how can you be kind to yourself while taking assertive action?

(4) Step outside: When you feel yourself getting sucked into the drama notice the pull but stand strong. Can you assertively create boundaries, not needing to rescue, make excuses or be critical? Can you be an observer and act neutrally?

Personal note: I’ve noticed that I tend to get into Victim mode when I argue with my partner. I often feel overwhelmed by emotions and thoughts and explode, trying to defend and discredit them. I then move into Perpetrator role, blaming them, before getting tired and trying to fix the situation (Rescuer).

It’s exhausting and familiar. I use words like “you always” and “you never.” I see in black and white and lack nuance when I talk. I’m impatient and unconsciously believe how he’s acted in the past is how he will always act (when I’m angry, I get impatient and believe “nothing will change”). My Victim-Perpetrator-Rescuer role may be impacted from a childhood where my parents fought a lot (I felt powerless around such conflict).

When it comes to work relationships I tend to fall into the Rescuer role and lack boundaries. I want to save every situation and burn out. These dynamics are unconscious but we can all use quick reframes when we fall into familiar roles.

Quick reframes:

-Victim: “I may feel like a victim but can set small goals?”

-Perpetrator: “Can I empathise with the other person? Have I ever made a mistake?”

-Rescuer: “By saving this person am I taking away their resourcefulness?

Start by caring: the winner triangle

Acey Choy M.Ed., PTSTA (1990) coined the Winning Triangle in the Transactional Analysis Journal as the opposite to the Karpman Triangle. She points to healthier and gentler dynamics based on a kinder response.

-Assert, Don’t Persecute: Stop trying to force or manipulate others. Instead, assert your needs by asking for what you want, saying no when necessary, and taking positive action.

-Be Vulnerable, Not a Victim: Instead of feeling overwhelmed and defeated, take responsibility for your situation. Acknowledge your emotions, think about what you want, and take steps to achieve it.

-Care Without Overstepping: Avoid letting guilt or obligation lead you into taking care of others unnecessarily. Be a supportive listener, offer help only when asked, and respect others' ability to handle their own problems.

TL;DR:

• Recognise your role in the drama triangle—Victim, Rescuer, or Persecutor—and understand how these patterns may come from childhood dynamics.

• Ground yourself in the now. Instead of blaming others, can you stay with the uncomfortable feeling? Take responsibility for your role in any conflict by being grounded and neutral in your response.

• Set boundaries and avoid getting sucked into the drama. Assert your needs, practice emotional maturity, and empower others to take responsibility for their own issues.

✍️ Journal prompt: How can you respond from a place of strength and accountability (rather than reactivity) in a conflict?

Seeking online therapy? Book your 1 hour consultation here.

Want a quick chat? Email me: therapywtanya@gmail.com or phone me: +44(0)7401699753