Motherhood: why am I so angry?
Motherhood brings parental stress, mom guilt and anger. Here’s how I practice anger and stress management - expanding my window of tolerance and remaining mindful (and sane).
Motherhood, anger & “the juggle” of doing it all
As a mental health psychotherapist, I learnt in training that anxiety and anger are emotions that result from the loss of control. Since becoming a mother I’ve felt both anxious and angry. There’s also a loss of control as it’s easy to lose yourself in mothering. My son is one year old now and I question why I think this way. Shouldn’t I be more “together” now? My life is embued with such joy and yet I worry about him getting hurt, not being a good enough mom, my career. The list of worries is endless. It feels as if I have to juggle all the balls at the same time and if I drop one, all of them will drop. It’s left me hypervigilant and on edge.
Motherhood is stressful. In the past, I’ve helped mothers with psychological therapy - guiding them to self-regulate when the baby screams or tantrums. It’s easy to stress out when the baby cries, since as the body automatically goes into fight mode, dealing with the screaming baby. Yet, internally mothers shared that they often daydreamed of escaping (flight response), and sometimes felt so overwhelmed that they’d dissociate (freeze response) in the middle of a supermarket. As an online psychotherapist, I know the theory of how to manage my mental health and keep a calm nervous system, but the reality is quite different. Most days I feel like a deer in the headlights - stopping multiple times to say, “what’s next?”
When we think of motherhood we think of “happiness” “joy” and “gratitude.” The reality is, that you can be both grateful for your baby and stressed.
Happiness and anger can co-exist. Anger creeps up inside of me like a volcano about to explode. It’s the tiny irritations, frustrations, and stresses that get stored in my body.
When anger isn’t channelled, it’s easy for me to feel resentful (“why is it left for me to do all the housework?”).
Anger can be expressed openly through shouting or in a hidden way through passive-aggressive comments. What’s more constructive is assertive anger - using words to calmly explain and diffuse the situation. Assertive anger is used in a non-threatening way to find solutions. Of course, assertive anger is preferable but how many of us are conscious enough to respond mindfully when we’re angry? I’ve started to practice assertive anger in conversations with my partner because I want to find a solution and not play the blame game. Asking, “what’s the solution?” to myself and then to my partner shortcuts arguments. This is a kind and solutions-focused mindfulness practice that is handy when you feel an argument coming.
Responsibilities & mom guilt
Sometimes I feel angry because my life is full of responsibilities now. Before being a mom I had the freedom to do as I please and now my days are filled with lots of tiny selfless duties. This is what love is. Love is selfless, kind and an act of devotion.
But does love mean forgetting our identity? Love and motherhood form an endless continuum, but within motherhood, I am trying to find my identity once again - who I am apart from being a mom. Some days, not having adult conversations leaves my brain slightly crazed with baby talk.
I immediately feel mom guilt when I complain or have negative self-talk, but when I talk to other mothers, often they admit to similar thoughts. Lacking freedom leads me to revenge bedtime procrastination (sleeping late to have some time to myself by procrastinating).
Loss of control and window of tolerance
I’m slowly embodying myself again. This sounds strange but for the past year, I’ve been 100% in mom mode. I’ve lost myself in nappy changes, baby groups, and filling up milk bottles. I’ve had crying bouts, breakdowns and moments where I felt lost and like I’ve lost all control. When your world is on fire though this forces you to find the inner strength and resolve to battle through and get to the other side. I’ve learnt to find calm in the chaos and just keep on carrying on. There is no guidebook to becoming a mom. You have to learn through mistakes and walk the path.
I’ve learnt to expand my “window of tolerance.” This is a concept by Dr. Dan Siegel who shares that there’s an optimal zone of arousal where a person can react to stress and function effectively. This window allows us to manage stress and challenges in a balanced way. When outside this window, people may become hyper-aroused (anxious, overwhelmed) or hypo-aroused (numb, disengaged). By growing our window of tolerance we’re able to deal with stress, adapt and become more resilient.
The “window of tolerance” is often used in online therapy sessions to create awareness of coping strategies. When we’re anxious, this hyper-aroused state needs to find self-soothing techniques to calm down. And when we’re numb, this hypo-aroused state needs to find active ways to release anger.
Practicing micro-mindfulness for stress and anxiety
Just 5 minutes of meditation while unloading the dishwasher in the morning helps me to manage my moods, energy levels and mentally prepare for daily setbacks. It’s a process to grow your window of tolerance. Some days I’m mindful and in control and other days, I feel my frustration and anger building. There isn’t a quick fix to stress and anger management, expanding the window of tolerance. It’s about knowing yourself - your triggers, your healthy and unhealthy coping strategies, and ways to connect to how you’d like to behave (mindfully and with presence).
Daily therapy tools to channel anger:
Here are some quick (under 5 minutes) daily tools I use to manage anger:
Anger iceberg: Anger is often the surface emotion, hiding deeper emotions like resentment or sadness. I ask, “What’s underneath the anger?” and “What do I need?” Even recognizing unmet needs can boost self-awareness.
Example: If frustration is under my anger, I might need some me-time. If not possible now, I will find small pockets of time for myself today.
Step outside anger: Anger can make us reactive. To cool off, I create space between myself and the emotion by leaving the room or physically shaking off the anger.
Example: When angry, I leave the room, wash my face, or shake out the tension.
The window of tolerance: I can expand my window of tolerance to stress by predicting triggers and practicing mindfulness. I can gradually expose myself to stressors to reduce their impact.
Example: I identify daily triggers and practice handling them until they no longer stress me out.
These tools help me stay mindful and manage emotions effectively. Growing self-awareness around anger is a process and has plenty of ups and downs but it is becoming easier to see my triggers and ask myself, “what do I need?" and "what’s the solution?” Consistent practice each day gradually expands my window of tolerance and not become so reactive to what is outside of my control.
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TL;DR
Anger and anxiety: since becoming a mom, I’ve felt angry and anxious because of various worries. The stress has left me hypervigilant, triggering the stress (fight-flight-or-freeze) response.
Two emotions can coexist: motherhood brings joy and stress, happiness and overwhelm. Anger results from a build-up of small irritations, making assertive communication (finding solutions, not blaming) essential.
Reclaiming identity: it’s easy to lose oneself in motherhood - finding a new identity, expanding my “window of tolerance” and anger management is a gradual process.
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