Being mixed-raced, belonging & anxiety
Only 2.9% of people in the UK are mixed race. I reflect on the loneliness of being mixed-race and how this has affected my sense of belonging, identity and anxiety.
Mixed race identity & belonging
Only 2.9% of people in the UK are mixed race. It’s easy to see why being mixed-race is isolating with so few people identifying as such. Growing up in London, I often faced the question, “But where are you really from?” Despite the diversity, there was a strong expectation to be “British.” With a Malaysian mother and a British, Scottish, and Welsh father, I struggled with belonging. As a mixed-race child, I tried to assimilate into British culture, ignoring subtle microaggressions like being called "half-caste." These small, racially charged comments affected my self-esteem. After George Floyd died in 2020, many people are more aware of how ethnicity and belonging affect mental health. Reports showing that black and Asian people have more difficulty accessing the NHS mental health services is perhaps not surprising. However, what is alarming is that multiracial people often have worse mental health outcomes than monoracial groups due to discrimination.
Older generations might dismiss these concerns as part of the “snowflake generation,” but being “othered” affects self-esteem. Questions like “where are you from?” objectify and marginalise. Research indicates that multiracial people face higher rates of depression, anxiety, loneliness, and other mental health issues compared to monoracial people.
Being mixed-race means you don’t fit neatly into one category. Like immigrants adapting to a new country, mixed-race individuals often hide their true values and put on a mask to fit in. This constant performance can often leave one anxious.
Parental expectations & identity
Parents often pass down their beliefs to their children. My mum came to the UK as a 19-year-old immigrant. She was bullied, didn’t have a voice, and was used to putting her head down and working hard. This work ethic was passed down to me, along with the idea that “you just have to get on with it.” While this is seen as mental toughness, she often doesn’t understand mental health issues. There’s an intolerance of anything other than hard work.
Growing up in the West, I saw how it’s much freer than the Eastern idea that you must do what your parents tell you. In the West, you are free to choose who you want to be. Yet the “you can be, do, have anything” model is also isolating. Not being part of a community can leave you isolated and pressured to be successful all on your own. In 2021, 12% of Americans said they had no friends. This shows the drawbacks of individualism.
Being a chameleon & people-pleasing
As a mixed-race person, I found it easy to assimilate to whatever environment I was in. I adapted and became a cultural chameleon. Everyone does this to an extent, but being mixed-race can also be confusing because I didn’t go back to a foundation of certainty. I didn’t have a core set of beliefs or ever say “this is what I believe.” I went with what others told me to believe. This cultural adaptation led me to feel anxious as trying to fit into different cultural expectations can lead to inner conflict and no real solid sense of self. I can also see how this might lead to feelings of impostor syndrome. Now I see being mixed-race as an advantage as I can see from a multicultural and global perspective (rather than following one idea).
Some say race exists on three levels: how we define our own racial identity, how we are perceived by others, and how the larger culture defines us. For me, when I was growing up, the weight of how others saw me was heavier than now. As a 37-year-old woman, what matters to me more is how I choose to define myself. This wasn’t always the case and has led to people-pleasing in the past.
There’s a cultural stereotype that Asian women are placid and pleasing. While the placid Asian woman is a stereotype, for me, there’s an element of conformity that you don’t know you’re participating in. Women are taught to be caretakers, sensitive to others’ needs, and not appear too aggressive (disturb the communal peace). These are great qualities in collectivist cultures but are not as useful in an individualistic Western culture.
The adapted child & reclaiming yourself
In therapy, Transactional Analysis (TA) is a psychoanalytic theory that believes we have three types of communication exchanges with people (parent, adult, and child). TA looks at how we speak and respond to others and the roles we play. The goal is to come from a healthy balanced adult state (rather than parent or child states).
Being mixed-race, it’s easy to see how I’ve interacted with others. It has mainly been from the adapted child state (conforms and carries out others’ wishes to people-please and be seen as good). On the other hand, when the adapted child state is pressured, they can be angry, reactive, and resistant.
Being mixed-race and unlearning to people-please is a process. I’m learning how to be more assertive and not let labels hold me back. Today, “mixed-race” is an empowering label because I’m reclaiming it’s meaning. I’m from two cultures and backgrounds but I can belong to myself. I can select what is the best belief and value that aligns with me as an adult. How mixed-race people define themselves (belonging to both cultures, abandoning both cultures, choosing to identify with another culture etc) is unique. Most people don’t fit neatly into one box after all.
TLDR
Growing up mixed-raced can affect someone’s sense of belonging, self-esteem and mental health. There is evidence to suggest that multiracial people have more mental health issues than monoracial people.
Eastern cultures often emphasise hard work and collectivist values whereas Western culture highlights individualistic freedom.
Being a cultural chameleon left me feeling anxious. I lacked a solid sense of self, which led to people-pleasing. Today, I’m learning how to be assertive. I’m embracing my mixed-race identity, creating my own beliefs and values that align with me.